


Heart Eater

by OurLadyGrem



Series: Banana Fish ✧ Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura [3]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Food Service, Alternate Universe - Retail, Angst and Feels, Ash's POV, Boys In Love, Brotherly Love, Cute, Cute gays, Declarations Of Love, Dinner dates, Disaster Gays, Domestic Fluff, Drama, Drama & Romance, Falling In Love, Feels, First Love, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Flustered Gays, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pining Ash Lynx, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Soulmates, Slice of Life, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, True Love, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-04-08 00:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19095739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurLadyGrem/pseuds/OurLadyGrem
Summary: In a delicatessen in New York, Ash Lynx works as a server at a deli counter, harbouring a passion for cooking due to his childhood of making meals for his late half-brother Griffin. Now at the age of twenty-five, Ash lives alone after his Griffin’s passing. He’s content with his job, but after every shift he returns to an empty house. Feeling hopelessly abandoned. Living a lonely life.After a while, Ash notices a regular customer… twenty-seven year old Eiji the salary man! Always dressed to the nines in his smart business suits. Always picking up the meals that Ash prepares for him. Sparks fly as the two come to know one another, until neither of them can deny there’s an attraction beyond their shared passion for food……but can this love survive when their careers put them in a difficult position, threatening their chances of a future together?Banana Fish AU where Ash and Eiji are eight years older, and Ash works in food service while Eiji works in an office! It isn’t advised that you read this whilst hungry! Rating may go up in much later chapters!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I hope you don't mind the few British-isms that may pop up here and there! I'm not ever conscious of them, but I try to change certain words to make sense in an American setting. I've only ever been to America once in my life so I'm probably not very accurate!  
> Either way I hope you enjoy this work! It's probably becoming a pattern now that I love writing these two in different career paths haha! And honestly, the more distinctive their job description is, the better! I'm an absolute sucker for circumstantial settings! So, if you've enjoyed this work, please leave a kudos or a comment! I love reading them! Thank you!

Nestled within an outdoor food court, just beside the entrance to one of New York’s subway stations, is a small delicatessen restaurant that appears thin in length, but packs tons of character. The colourful neon sign advertising the building lies atop an outstretched canopy that envelopes the side-walk leading to its entrance. It’s the illusion of a red carpet for a roof.

Inside, the walls are patterned by a brick interior, decorated with vines and framed photographs of New York landscapes. The deli counter takes up the left side of the room and arcs towards the back, shining in a metallic silver splendour, displaying an array of meals, meats and vegetables underneath glass cases. Overhead of the counters are lists of many dishes written beautifully on chalkboards, decorated with plastic slabs of meat in nets hanging humorously beside them.

As the opening times for this restaurant is from the late afternoon to the late evening, the low lighting inside the restaurant is a purposely warm colour to contrast the winter darkness from the outside. It’s almost as though the bright unnatural lights reflecting from within the glass cases are enough to light up the place, while only a few small ceiling lights slightly aid in brightening up the entrance. It’s a moody little restaurant, beautiful and characteristic, and it’s now the workplace of delicatessen server - Ash Lynx.

Now at the age of twenty-five, he’s worked at this restaurant since he was a teenager, climbing his way up from a part-timer to becoming head server. Though he’s grown a considerable amount since then, even his blonde hair has darkened a little over the years to a dirtier shade. It doesn’t make much of a difference to him though, as his uniform requires him to wear a white hat with his white uniform. Even then, his long hair spills to the curve of his neck connecting to his shoulders.

And even still, Ash manages to stand out from the rest of the staff because of how attractive he is. His muscles, though not too bulky and not too small, make the pearly uniform look tight-fitted around his torso, and the loose company scarf tied around his shoulders look almost like a trendy accessory on him. His always-relaxed posture gives off an impression of being cool and aloof, which puts him at arm’s length with certain people, but his mild-mannered friendliness and calm demeanour - brought on as he's matured from youth - makes him popular nonetheless. Though he's hard to approach because of the intensity of his eyes, thin and cutting in his gazes.

One night, while on break from his shift, Ash sits on the steps of the restaurant’s back entrance and eats his home-made dinner, when he’s approached by a younger colleague of his.

“Hey, Ash?”

He turns around, and meets the eye of a new part-timer holding a small takeaway boxed meal in her hands. She looks around nineteen years old, with her messy blonde hair tied up in a bun. She looks pretty with just faint tints of make-up on her eyes and across her cheeks. At least Ash figures it’s make-up, when really this girl is just blushing from chin to hairline.

“I’m sorry to bother you while you’re on your break, Ash, but… um, I tried following your instructions during my training, and I was wondering if… you’d like to try something I made? Just to, um… see if it’s alright for the restaurant, y’know?”

Ash takes it politely from her hands. When he takes a bite of a prawn with his fork, the poor girl’s hands are trembling as she swallows a gulp.

“Oh, yeah. This is pretty good.”

“It is? Thank God…”

“Mhm. If I had to criticise it a little, maybe it could do with a bit more seasoning for flavour. That’s what our feedback always says to do more of. But even then, it’s not a big deal. I think it’s delicious. The light seasoning is nice.”

“Thank you! I-I’m really glad you liked it… I’ll try harder with my next one! Um, will you try it again?”

“If you need my help, sure.”

“Thanks Ash! I appreciate it.”

When he passes the box back over to the part-timer, her face is beet red as she turns away to return back into the restaurant. But just as the doors are closing behind her, another colleague greets her as though they'd been waiting there all this time. The part-time girl scurries inside, and her friend asks fairly loudly,

“How’d it go?”

“Oh my God, he’s so cool, I can’t deal…”

The door eventually shuts and cuts off their conversation from there. Meanwhile, as Ash returns to his own boxed dinner, he’s approached by another figure who was quietly, and sneakily, smoking nearby in the designated smoking area, just around the corner from the back entrance area. Sporting short-cut light-auburn hair, Ash’s co-worker Max Lobo grins widely after having heard the whole scene, and narrows his eyes while raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Still as popular as ever, aren’t you.” He says, more of a statement than a question, then crosses his arms authoritatively. “She seems like a nice girl. Really pretty too. Why don’t you give her a little more attention and see where it goes?”

Ash looks at him for a moment, almost vacantly, before answering, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get any closer than necessary. It’s not right to give people false hope. I’m not the kind of person that can live up to people’s expectations.”

“What d’you mean? Losing your confidence already?” Max raises an eyebrow as he looks quite incredulous, bathed beneath a lone floodlight beside the back entrance, “What’s so wrong with starting off slow? Just try talking to her, maybe even go out for dinner or something. You shouldn’t write her off as quickly as that. Don’t write yourself off, either. Things could be so much different outside of work.”

“Maybe I’d think about it… if I ever meet someone I’d like to do that with.” Ash says, his tone coming across a little more lonely than pretentious.

Still, Max had to roll his eyes, and snides sarcastically after finishing his cigarette, “Hm. Good-looking guys really have it tough!”

* * *

 

Once his break is done, Ash is back inside the restaurant, standing on the customer’s side of the counters with clipboard in hand. He observes the contents of each glass case.

‘Meatball and vegetables, dressed with sweet vinegar… tender pulled pork dish… black pepper, fried chicken and vegetables… there’s a lot more in the sale section today. Must be because the fried dishes and sides with stronger flavours are popular with our evening crowd.’

Ash glances to his side and looks over the steady line of customers moving in and out of the doors. It’s always the most busy at rush hour, especially as the restaurant is situated right beside the entrance to an underground subway station. The stairs lead next to the canopy like a welcoming sign. In all the years of working in here, Ash has observed the kind of crowd that the restaurant attracts in particular. Mostly older people coming back from work, though the type of people are always different… as it’s still New York. Diversity is what it’s known for.

Even so, Ash notices quite a few regulars that stop in almost every evening. The biggest attraction to this restaurant is the appeal of the homemade side dishes. It’s Ash’s pride where he can commit his passion for cooking and serve out the food he makes. He recognises a man in a track suit, often with his hair tied up in a ponytail, and a woman he’s had conversations with a few times, learning that she works mostly from home. And also a taller gentleman who always carries a large backpack to shovel in everything he’s purchased.

The familiarity of these faces give Ash a sense of accomplishment. Knowing that the area is surrounded by convenience stores and restaurants, these are the people that like his homemade meals enough to keep coming back to buy more. Ash feels grateful for this, and strives to keep doing more, and keep doing it better.

Then, one more familiar figure steps behind him. Somehow Ash can sense it’s him without turning his head too much. The contrast of a fitted business suit and fluffy, unkempt jet-black hair always makes him stand out from the rest of the crowd.

‘Another one of our regulars… except, he’s a little late today.’

The man of Asian descent looks a little older than Ash, though not too old to look past thirty. His stature and dress make him look like he’s far up the ladder in a business orientated career, from the masculine broadness of his shoulders and the smart pressed suit he wears, yet there’s a youthful sparkle in his eyes that takes years from his life. Especially that mess of hair on his head. It makes him… Ash has to admit, a little cute. Not often a word he'd used to describe another man.

Though today his eyes are crossed and his eyebrows are furrowed, as the man’s gaze darts from one counter to the other. His fingers rest against his chin. It’s almost as though the internal debate that’s going on in his mind is translating to the hurried bounce of his eyes, moving back and forth over every dish before him.

Ash glances at the sight through the corner of his eyes. The man picks up his first boxed meal of choice.

‘Pork and mushroom… glazed with butter and sauce…’ He notes this down on his clipboard, subtly to record the customer’s choice in dishes. But it’s almost immediately scrapped as the man puts it back down, and moves on to the next one. ‘Steak and runny egg… no, sweet and salty stir-fry chicken… no wait, back to the first one?’

As Ash is jotting down the food choices on his clipboard, rather hectically, it’s pretty obvious that this guy is way too indecisive, and even more curiously… Ash notices from the list of foods he’s written down that every choice he’s gone for is pretty unhealthy. Ripping off that piece of paper from the board, he folds it away in his pocket for further review.

* * *

 

Oddly enough, that piece of paper remains a small but noticeable detail in the back of his mind. Throughout the remainder of his shift, the reminder that it’s there in his pocket nags at him to look over it a little more. There’s something about it that he’s just not picking up… and it’s frustrating that he’s not getting it at all…

It isn’t until he’s back at home, after a long end to his shift, that he finally notices. He flops on to his couch, with an arm folded behind his head, and holds up that tormenting piece of paper above his face. Ash turns to his side, nuzzling his head into the armrest of his couch, and narrows his eyes to the list of foods… and finally realises aloud,

“Ah. These are all dishes that I’ve made.”

He lingers his eyes over them, one after the other, thinking about each and every one of these foods he’s made being such a difficult choice that this one man couldn’t decide between them all. Ash stares at it, kind of longingly. Until he sits up, scratching his head and clicking his tongue, “It’s probably just a coincidence. Don’t be so big-headed…”

Even though he says this, Ash still can’t keep down the prideful feelings boiling in his stomach. Sometimes he can’t help it. Cooking is his passion, and having others enjoy it is fulfilling. If there’s even a small instance that implies this one man might've enjoyed his dishes that much, then Ash can’t deny the motivation that this brings…

“Maybe I should start adding more foods to my line-up. If this guy likes meat as the main elements, it’ll be more likely he’ll pick something with vegetables on the side. I should make his choices more healthy… if he comes in again.”

* * *

 

This determination carries all the way with him to his next shift the following day.

Ash is stocking the boxed meals in each of the counters as the rush hour slowly subsides, and the demand for dishes has gradually slowed down. It’s late into the winter evening when that familiar man in his regularly smart suit and tie comes suddenly rushing through the doors of their restaurant, black hair in his usual tussle. Ash spots him amongst the thin crowd, looking rather enthusiastic as he stretches on his toes to look over people’s heads towards the counters, but he’s just a few inches short to see anything. Ash can’t help watching him in wonderment. At least, from a reserved back seat view.

‘He looks like he’s in a rush tonight.’

Eventually the man makes it to an open spot at the counter beside Ash, and his eyes light up as he reads the small signs labeling each dish.

“I made it just in time…” He breathes, and a wobbly smile tugs at his lips as he catches his breath back.

But he’s instantly startled when his hand stretches out, and finds the space in the glass case completely emptied out. Ash notices his shoulders drop enormously then, and watches a wave of disappointment translate from the depth of his frown.

“Excuse me…” The man abruptly sounds out, effectively not losing all hope, and turns directly to Ash lingering by his side, “I was wondering! Do you have any more sweet and sour stir-fry chicken?”

Ash blinks. He’s a little taken aback by the sheer determination in his man’s voice, when his expression contrasts to that of a sad-eyed puppy. It makes him hesitate to answer for a second.

“...I’m sorry. We sold our freshest stock a little while ago.”

“I see.” The man sighs, giving in to defeat. His eyelids lower, gazing dejectedly to the ground, and his bottom lip hangs out just a little bit in an adorable manner, “It’s just… it’s my favourite, that’s all. I really wanted to eat it tonight…”

The sight of this troubled man stirs something in Ash that motivates him not to give up hope either.

“Do you mind waiting a few minutes and I’ll be right back with you?”

“Oh. Okay?”

The man confusedly watches after Ash as he turns to disappear into the kitchen. In a manner of trial and error, he searches along the racks in their large fridge-freezer, looking for any trace of that familiar dish that might’ve been stored somewhere a little out of place. Then, hidden beneath ground-up clumps of ice, Ash wipes at the label on a package in the corner of a shelf and finds exactly what he’s been looking for. Something soars in his stomach. Accomplishment. He backs out of the racks and almost rushes back to the restaurant.

Ash finds the man hungrily looking through other options along the back-end of the counters. He’s tapping his fingers to his lips, visibly deciding on something else to choose if all else fails, until Ash appears before him.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” He says in his professional tone, and holds out the box, “We had just a little left, so if you don’t mind this smaller portion--”

“You do?!” The man suddenly shouts, excitedly at first before stopping himself, “Are… are you sure I can have this?”

“I mean, it expires tomorrow, so as long as you eat it tonight then it’s fine. I’ll even reduce the price for you…”

“Oh, wow. That’s really…”

Ash shakes his head and holds up his hand, stopping the guy’s train of thought. Then assures him whole-heartedly, “I understand your feelings. If I like something that much, then I’d want to try my best to get to eat it too. I’m just as big of a food-lover as you.”

“So you understand, huh!” The man quickly beams, and his eyes look as though they radiate with the same warmth of his smile, so much so that his words sound more authentically genuine, “Thank you so much! This has made me so happy… really, it’s made my whole day.”

Ash’s eyes widen. That gracious smile shoots something directly into his chest. The rate of his heartbeat spikes, just for a moment. Even a hint of heat rises up to his face, appearing like a small blush on his cheeks. He ducks his head away, suddenly embarrassed to show such a side of himself. And then he remembers...

“Hey… then if you don’t mind… can I recommend something for you?” Ash gently urges, and steadily picks up a nearby dish amongst the stock, “This is a new product we’ve introduced to the menu. It’s like the stir-fry that you’ve bought, but the ingredients are varied more with vegetable roots. I, well… truthfully, I made this one personally. But I think you might like it…”

“Oh... it looks delicious! Thank you. I’ll take one now and try it later!” He says, politely taking the dish from Ash with both hands. The man looks over the takeaway meal with an attentive gaze, and appears sincerely grateful with this entire exchange. It almost seems too soon to end the transaction right there, when the mood between them seems too nice to break away from. The man doesn’t stop smiling as he begins turning away, and calls back to Ash with his authentically soft smile, “You’re really kind. Thank you so much for all your help. I’ll see you again soon, okay?”

“Yeah. Look forward to seeing you…”

Ash watches after the stranger as he leaves to pay at the counter, and turns back one more time to wave before leaving altogether. Once he’s gone, Ash adjusts the hat on his head, suddenly becoming conscious of how he just looked. But the stirring butterflies in his stomach don’t quieten down.

‘He looked so happy just to be able to eat it…’ Ash thinks to himself, ‘The way he reacted to it reminds me of when I was a kid…’

This thought trails him all the way through the night towards the end of his shift. After every hour that passes by, memories pile up one after the other and distract him from working. Even during uneventful lulls during the night, whenever he’s given the chance, Ash thinks back to treasured memories of his earlier childhood spent with his late half-brother: Griffin.

* * *

 

__Eleven years ago…_ _

 

Ash had been raised by his older brother Griffin through most of his childhood. Without parents, they’d struggle a lot for money to afford food for the both of them. Most of the time, they’d have to rely on frozen foods and ready meals to cut costs here and there. Often times, Griffin would be at work and never really have the time to spend with Ash or cook anything for him. Sometimes he couldn't be home for the evening just to heat up Ash's dinner.

On one night of many, Ash would find his meal for the evening waiting for him in their freezer. Their place wasn’t too small, but it wasn’t big enough to be called a house. Ash and Griffin lived in a two-bedroom home together, very thin in length as most affordable New York places go. The kitchen lead straight into the lounge, where a tiny dining set table fit their small old-fashioned television set on the unused side. This is where Ash spent a lot of his days growing up. Glued to the television, diligently watching cooking shows and following along with new recipes.

One of these programmes sounded out, “Today’s special recommendation is a fairly popular dish; the sweet and sour stir-fry with vegetables and chicken.”

“Oh. I’m having that right now.” Ash said one night, while fetching it out of the microwave. He leant up on a chair so he could reach it. Though he’s careful not to spill it when serving the microwaveable meal out on a plate, so the sauces don’t splash on to his pajamas.

He laid the tray on the table in front of his television, and dragged the chair back to it so he could climb on and immediately begin digging in to the stir-fry. All while he’d watch the process of it’s creation on the cooking show on screen.

“This particular Eastern dish will need ingredients like mirin, soy sauce and sake… all mixed in with some red and bean chilli paste, along with minced garlic and sugar. Pour in oil on to a frying pan, and turn the heat to medium…”

Ash watched with incredible interest, keen to pick up on habits and instructions so that he could easily pick up on it all. It sparked his curiosity by entertaining the role as the chef as shown on the show, until he practically envisioned himself in the shoes of the cooks…

“I could do that.” He concluded. And immediately after finishing off his own dinner, Ash took whatever vegetables he could find from their fridge and splayed them across his kitchen counter. Though he tried his best to replicate everything he’d learnt from his home economics classes… soon enough, he found everything a little too tough to master.

He’d made a shoddy job of slicing vegetables with a knife or a peeler, he’d left the food on the frying pan too long and burnt the meat, which made him miss the timing with the rest of the ingredients. Everything just went horrible. Ash’s first time cooking really sucked.

Once he plated everything he made, it all looked a little pathetic in the middle of the dish. Charred bits coated the meat, chopped vegetables looked utterly destroyed… Ash could only stare at it in total disbelief. Cooking always looked so easy to him. So by looking at the results of his very first attempt, he was discouraged from ever trying something like that again.

Just then, the entrance door clicked open, and Ash jumped on his chair in fright.

“Hey Ash, I’m home… oh, what’s that smell?” Griffin called out with his nose in the air.

“W… welcome back…”

His large frame squared up to the dining set table, and he peered around Ash’s shoulder with a playful grin, “What’s that you got there? Did you make this?”

Ash tried putting his small arms around the plate, but he was too flustered to hide everything in time. He blushed fiercely, and pouted with his cheeks puffed out just slightly,

“I’m sorry. I tried to make dinner for when you got home, but… I messed it all up…” Griffin’s eyebrows raised in surprise, while Ash attempted to turn his attention towards the kitchen area, “It doesn’t matter. We still have some stuff from the deli in the fridge, I’ll just put it in the microwave for you…”

“It’s okay. I’ll eat this.”

Before Ash could protest, Griffin grabbed a nearby fork from the table and took a bite out of a chunk of meat. Ash stumbled, wide-eyed in horror, but his mouth hung open without any words sounding out. He anticipated the worst reaction then, as he expected it after looking at the diabolical results of his own cooking, but Griffin only chewed for a few seconds before nodding his head rather approvingly.

“This is pretty good, y’know.”

“Wh-- it is?” Ash stated in disbelief.

“Well, it’s a little bit smoky from the burnt bits…”

“I’ll… I’ll do it way better next time!”

Griffin grinned again, and widened his arms out for a large embrace. Ash squawked from how much Griffin was crushing him with his muscles, but he didn’t protest at all. He held on to his big brother's shoulders instead.

“Thanks, buddy! I’ll look forward to more of your cooking. Maybe by November, you’ll have cooked us an entire Thanksgiving dinner!”

Ash felt happy. So happy that his eyes scrunched up, and his jagged smile appeared all too crooked from how much emotion he was feeling at that moment.

Then he confirmed with restored confidence, “Sure! Sounds easy!”

* * *

 

__Present day…_ _

 

Ash clocks out of his shift when he thinks about Griffin again for the hundredth time that night. Memories like those keep his passion for cooking alive. The reason he pursued it so much was, at first, to make delicious meals for Griffin every time he came home from work. It was his pride and joy to see his face enjoy what he made for him. Nothing could ever beat it. Griffin had definitely ignited the pursuit of cooking professionally. And he was definitely the reason he liked feeding others as well. To see his customers enjoy what he makes reminds him of that satisfaction of giving back to Griffin what little he could, and gives him a sense of fulfillment that keeps him going everyday.

Which is why that man from earlier has caught so much of Ash’s interest. His reactions to the food were so pure, and even a little childlike. Ash had to admit… he’d like to see it again. He wonders if he’ll see that man again tomorrow. Ash wonders… would he be as enthusiastic about trying out another dish again…

‘It’d be nice if he does…’

And sure enough, as the next day arrives, the evening shift starts up again and Ash is greeted by the friendly stranger once more. As usual, he appears in his grey business suit and tie, with his raven hair just as fluffy as it was the day before. This time he isn’t as rushed as he was yesterday. Instead, while Ash is serving in front of the counter, he’s approached by the man with a smile so wide and welcoming that he almost appears to be glowing.

“Evening! It’s good to see you again!” The stranger greets, waving his hand up rather cutely.

Ash greets him back, though he’s a little more reserved, he still smiles just as widely, “Hey. It’s good to see you too. Aren’t you a little early today?”

“You noticed, huh? Yeah, actually… I kinda hurried over here!” The guy admits somewhat sheepishly, but more than anything, he appears eager to keep the conversation going, “I wanted to thank you. That new dish that you gave me yesterday was just so good! To be honest I don’t usually eat a lot of vegetables... my diet is kinda crap. But after eating what you recommended to me, it feels like I’ve finally had my vitamins!”

The stranger laughs. The kind of laugh that’s still a little shy to let loose, but still spirited enough to sound like joyous bells.

“That’s good.” Ash tells him, completely truthful in his feelings. And feels bold enough to observe aloud, “You seem to be in a really good mood today.”

“Ah! I do?” The man flusters, startled by Ash’s remark. Suddenly he’s a little out of sorts, and his eyes are flying off in all sorts of directions as he fidgets with his hands. Ash then notices the visible flush appearing across his face, noticing how quickly embarrassed he is as he scratches his neck, “The reason that might be is… well, I sort of rushed over from work to come tell you how much I enjoyed last night’s dinner. I really wanted to tell you how good it tasted, so…”

Ash blinks, wide-eyed, with his lips slightly parted as though he took a sharp breath. The man flusters all the more, nearly jumping in his own skin as he waves his hands.

“Oh man, I’m sorry! Did that sound too forward to you? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable if I did…”

“Not at all. Don’t worry.” Ash assures him gently. Even so, the guy dithers with a slew of explanations and excuses, but all of it just adds up to simply wanting to thank Ash as quickly as possible.

Ash watches him with an absent-minded gaze, until the guy’s voice comes out muffled in Ash’s ears. Suddenly he’s taken in by his own thoughts and feelings, wrought by the genuine sweetness of this adorable bumbling customer before him. Here is a man that’s enjoyed his cooking so much that he had to rush all the way back to thank him for the food. Here is a man who’s desperately trying to keep his cool as though this isn’t the case. This man is so sweet and adorable. Ash is enraptured. He can’t take his eyes away from the man, seemingly a bit older in years, and yet he’s blushing like a schoolboy with the cutest look of embarrassment on his face.

It’s decided then that Ash wants, more than anything, for this man to eat more of his food. If he reacts in such a way to one or two meals that he’s cooked, Ash wants to keep this up for as long as possible. He wants to see more of this man’s reactions to his food. He wants to make this guy happy with the meals that he makes. If this is how he can keep this guy’s attention…

“Hey, um…”

“Oh, yes?” Ash replies, suddenly pulled out of his thoughts.

“By the way, my name is Eiji Okumura.” He says courteously, then narrows his eyes to the name tag pinned to Ash’s uniform, “So your name is… Ash. Right?”

“Yeah. Ash Lynx.”

Then, incredulously, the man named Eiji Okumura suddenly bows down low with his arms as straight as a board by his sides, and says with the most carefree smile,

“I’ll be in your continued care from now on, Ash. Thank you for the delicious food!”

Ash nearly takes a step back in complete surprise. He’s never really had anyone bow to him before, especially in such a way as this. The surrounding customers even pass a few side glances in bewilderment. That’s when Eiji realises this vital mistake, and quickly snaps up his back and dithers just as much as he did before.

“Oh! Oh no, I’m sorry! I forgot you don’t really bow like this in America, do you? Sorry! Sometimes I forget where I am and I revert to old habits from when I lived in Japan! I hope that didn’t embarrass you or anything, that must have looked so strange…”

“Not at all, don’t worry about it.” Ash laughs, but gently as to not hurt his feelings. In fact, Ash can’t stop smiling because of how endearing he finds this person to be. Everything about him just seems so likeable, and so endlessly sweet. Ash follows along with the flow of the mood, “I’ll be in your care as well. As long as you keep coming back here.”

“Yes! Of course! I want to eat more of what you recommend me!” He confirms with his hands clamped into fists to amplify his determination. And his face breaks into the widest smile as he asks, “So what would you recommend today?”

“Well let me think…”

From there, the conversation carries on so naturally without any kind of awkwardness that follows from usual first meetings. And from this, Ash discovers the heightened desire to talk with him more and more. For all the days that will follow. For all the dishes he’ll make. He wants to know who Eiji Okumura is.

He hopes he’ll get to know him more… maybe outside of work next time.


	2. Chapter 2

_Eight years ago…_

__

Ash managed to land his first part-time job at a deli counter nearby his home. Since he started cooking meals for Griffin every night, Ash realised how much fun it was to serve them, and dreamt more and more of making a living with the food that he makes. It all came together when he spotted an advertisement on a social media page, and learned that a part-time role was available as a deli worker. On a whim, Ash applied. And within the week, he scored an interview. His knowledge of cooking and his passion for food was undoubtedly what made him succeed in landing the job.

And after coming home from his first day at work, Ash immediately found Griffin in their kitchen, working on their dinner for the first time in a long while. Griffin turned over his shoulder the second that Ash came through the door, and a wide grin lit up the entirety of his face.

“Welcome home, Ash! Come over here, tell me how your first day went!”

“Oh. Yeah. It was good.” Ash stated nonchalantly, while shuffling out of his shoes and taking his bag off his shoulders. Almost like a force of habit, Ash reached for his apron hung on the hook by the door, and came to join Griffin in preparing their dinner together. “It was really nice, actually. Everyone was welcoming and friendly. I think they knew I’d be easier to work with since I can cook already. I’ll take less time to train in the basics.”

“You never have a hard time getting popular, huh? That doesn’t surprise me.” Griffin teased, nudging his elbow into Ash’s side.

Ash just ignored him, and swiftly changed the subject. “I’ve been given more hours than I’ve been contracted already. I was even asked to cover a shift on Saturday…”

“This Saturday? Aren’t you already doing Monday to Friday? Look Ash, I’m grateful that you’re chipping into the rent and bills and everything, but I don’t want you to start taking on too much...”

“It’s alright. I volunteered to do it anyway.” Ash confirmed, while thinking of all the dishes he’d be making in these shifts. He couldn’t deny… it made him feel giddy in anticipation of what was to come, and the motivation to cook only heightened from the thoughts alone.

“But you’re giving up your Saturday. You should remember that you have a social life to keep on top of. You’ve got your whole life yet to devote yourself to a career. Sure you’re seventeen, but you’re still young.” Griffin chastised, purely out of concern. Then, a hint of a mischievous smirk curled up the corners of his lips, and nudged Ash again as he stated, “You’re not being very considerate to your girlfriend, are you?”

“Wh… hey, how did you know about her?” Ash flinched, and turned to his brother with an arched eyebrow and the slightest hint of a blush on his face.

“I’ve worked with her older sister at one of my jobs. So word got around.” Griffin shrugged, “I’ve met her too. She didn’t know I was your brother, though. I just recognised the school uniform she was wearing when we met. So she’s your classmate, huh? Seems nice. Pretty cute too.”

Ash clicked his tongue. “We haven’t been going out for very long…”

“So it’s in the early stages? Just means that it’s even more important that you don’t lose too much of your free time to your new job. Communication is key. Make sure you keep in contact with her often, even if it’s just a text or a phone call. It’s important, y’hear me?”

“Alright, Griff.” Ash nodded, respectfully listening despite feeling a little lectured, before his brother patted his head and ruffled up his hair. Ash only narrowed his eyes as he let his brother make a mess of him. Because he knew that Griffin was ultimately right.

…but in the end, Ash’s relationship didn’t last long at all. Ash kept taking on more and more shifts, and became forgetful with answering texts and calls. Eventually, after about two months of this, Ash received a text from his girlfriend saying that she wanted to separate. And just like that, it was over before anything really began.

Ash looked over the text on his work break with a bit of indifference. He felt a bit guilty for feeling this way. But he just couldn’t deny how detached he really felt from her, and it was made all the more apparent from this break-up text.

‘It was my fault in the end. I didn’t give her enough attention. We never saw each other outside of school, and I just devoted all my time to work. I hardly made any effort to make anything work. This was just inevitable to happen.’

Ash concluded this to himself as he secured his phone away in his work locker and changed into his white deli uniform. As he fixed the hat over his head, he knew at that moment exactly where his heart really lay:

‘It’s more fun to be here making dishes anyway…’

Ash thought this so strongly that, the very next day, when questioned about the breakup from Griffin, Ash admitted how he felt about the whole thing in those exact same words.

“Seriously?” Griffin almost spluttered upon hearing it. He’d been halfway through raking out the laundry from their washing machine when he had to stop and square his widened eyes directly to Ash… who, as always, was in the midst of cooking their dinner. “Ash, please tell me that’s not what you said to her.”

“No, no. She’s the one who broke up with me. She sent a text saying that she wanted to break up before I started a work shift.”

“Wait, she sent you a break-up text? Well that’s classy. No wonder you don’t look all that bothered about it. What is it with kids these days thinking that texts are a good way to break up with someone! Seems I had the wrong impression of that girl.” Griffin clicked his tongue through clenched teeth, and filled up the washing basket rather urgently.

Ash noticed how Griffin looked irritated by the aggressive way he handled the laundry. He seemed more annoyed than he let on, but he tried not to show it. Griffin was just the type to be protective over his little brother and Ash knew it. Ash grinned, just a little. He thought it was funny how Griffin was the one to be more upset about this. Until Griffin paused and turned over his shoulder.

“Did you at least take my advice?”

“What advice?” Ash replied dismissively.

“About how communication is important? Remember that?” When those words only seemed to fall on deaf ears, Griffin sighed, “Jeez, I thought you were taking on more hours at work lately. It’s good that you’re so hard-working, but…”

As his voice trailed off, Ash lingered his gaze in silence. It was always so subtle, but Ash always had a sorrowful air around him without ever having to say it out loud. It was his eyes. They looked so piercing that he appeared too hard to approach, as though he never allowed anyone to get close to him. Griffin was only close because they grew up together, and Griffin practically raised him. And yet despite this, Griffin didn’t understand him entirely. There was a brotherly distance where he knew when to come close, and when to give him space. All these years of growing side by side came hand-in-hand with getting to know his boundaries.

But Ash was a lonely soul. Griffin could sense it with those arms that he’d keep people at length with. He’s lonely in that human way where we layer shields around us to protect us from getting hurt. He’s lonely in that human way where the whole world is just scared of each other. He’s lonely in that human way where we’re comfortable in our own familiar loneliness. Perhaps until the day his soul is pried open by another, only to feel lonely together.

Griffin just hoped that Ash won’t let this melancholy loneliness ruin him. Griffin feared for how deep this loneliness ran, and how potentially catastrophic it could be. Griffin only hoped Ash will find happiness. Whether it lies in his passions or his loves, Griffin only wanted the very best experiences that won’t cut too deep for him. This world can be too cruel for those who can’t handle it.

But instead of communicating this, Griffin just teased him with the roll of his eyes, “Nevermind. You know Ash, you’re going to be hard to deal with for someone eventually. Aren’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ash narrowed his eyes. Then he turned back to his cooking and pouted in a childlike way that reminded Griffin of their youth, “You deal with me just fine, don’t you?”

“I do. I just… I hope you do find someone you’d really like to be with someday.”

Ash paused, with his hands hovered over the chopping board and his fingers frozen around a knife and spring onions. His eyes lowered, and his mouth moved slowly to open, but no sound came from his throat.

Instead, he just silently agreed.

* * *

 

__Present day…_ _

__

Ever since then, Ash hasn’t found anyone he’s wanted to be with. People only wander in and out of his life without any particular attachment. It’s almost as though Ash is waiting for the moment where someone leaves behind a permanent marking he can follow on from. Instead of leaving existences like faded fingerprints on a handrail.

It’s probably harder for Ash to connect with anyone now that Griffin is gone. That ever-present void will always be there and can never be replaced. And that unbearable loneliness has only worsened in time, forming into a bottomless well of sadness that can be seen in the way Ash carries himself… in the way his empty stares go on into the distance, looking out into the horizon for a sun that will never rise. His presence is the personification of human suffering, but his solitary mourning makes him look beautiful. Like how art locked behind glass should never be touched. Only to be admired from far away, without fully understanding the artist’s process in the making of its aesthetic.

At least, a little of that loneliness is lifted as Ash finds himself looking forward to going to work for reasons more than cooking. Like the tiniest light shining at the end of a long pier, Ash can make out the face of that reason… his friendly, slightly clumsy, and adorable looking face that had once bowed down to Ash in the middle of the deli…

But the night before his next shift starts, Ash receives a call from his boss with some spontaneous news that puts a smoke screen over that light.

“Ah, Ash! I’m really sorry for this being as short notice as it is, but one of our neighbouring stores is short staffed, and they’ve been begging us to lend them an extra pair of hands until one of theirs comes back off sick leave. You’ve put yourself down on your availability form that if a situation like this arises, you’d be available to cover their shifts. So, if that’s alright with you, will you help them out starting tomorrow? I suspect it’ll only be for two weeks…”

“...sure. I can do that.”

“Great! Thanks, Ash! You’re a great help!”

When the call is cut off from there, Ash is left in silence.

Two weeks.

Fourteen days.

Suddenly the weight of his body becomes too much to move, and Ash is bound to his bed without the strength to leave it.

* * *

 

Only three days pass after Ash accepts the sudden change of workplace, but to him, the time feels unusually and unbearably slow. The change of environment isn’t a bad thing, but the change of pace has knocked him a little for a loop. There are instances in the day where he’s watching the nearest clock on the wall, or checking his phone to see how long time has passed since he lasted checked it. However, the constant clock-watching makes the time go slower, and he’s conscious of how many seconds there are in each minute, and how many minutes there are in an hour, which makes the concept of time itself feel almost oppressive. Ash sighs after completing his third shift. He’s already starting to feel stir-crazy. He changes from his uniform into his everyday outfit - a trendy brown jacket over several layers of clothes - and heads out the door.

Right around the end of the rush hour, Ash makes it to the street where his deli resides. There’s a grocery store attached to the tail-end of the deli where Ash usually picks up his groceries, since he gets employee discount from the same cash register. And while shopping down one of the aisles of the store, Ash spots a familiar face hard at work there; busy with stocking the shelves and balancing his toes on top of a stool. Whenever Ash catches this friend of his at work, Ash can’t help the tug of a smile lifting the corner of his lips at the sight of a plain apron thrown over shop worker clothing, contrasting with the outlandish purple mohawk at the tip of this figure.

“I can feel you staring at me, Ash. What’s caught your attention, huh?” Shorter grins, and finishes tidying up the shelf before stepping off the stool.

“Nothing. Just didn’t expect you to be working the evening shift, man.”

“I didn’t either, but my manager called me in because someone phoned in sick. So I’m covering.” Shorter explained, then looked Ash up and down at his normal attire out of uniform, “I heard you’ll be doing the same for a while at that new store that opened up not too far from here.”

“Yeah, for about two weeks, I’ve been told.” Ash ignores the plummet of his heartbeat when saying it aloud. Then, instinctively, he dismisses the feeling with a joke, “I know two weeks is a long time for you, Shorter, but try not to miss me too much. I hope you can hold out that long until I come back.”

“You know I can’t, Ash, I’ve missed you too much already.” Shorter beams a large smile as he crosses his arms across his chest, “You know just seeing your face through the kitchen doorway is the highlight of my shift. Now you’ve abandoned me and I’ve lost the will to go on.”

“You lose the will to go on with your shift the moment you clock in.” Ash laughs.

“Knowing that you won’t be here, that’s exactly how I feel.” Shorter feigns to stifle tears before losing his composure, and the both of them laugh - sharing in the natural atmosphere that comes from mutual respect between two close friends in the workplace - until Shorter leans against the corner of a shelf and says, “I hope the new store has been treating you well. I know you’re good at your job, but it’s rough when you don’t know the people you work with or where all the tools are kept.”

“It’s been fine, to be honest. I don’t do much of the cooking as much as the directing. From the way that they’ve asked me to do the job, I’m starting to think that I’m covering a manager’s position. My wage probably won’t, though.”

“That’s outrageous. But unsurprising.” Shorter sighs, jaded by work-related injustices.

“Yeah. But it’s really fine. Everyone gets on well enough and they do a good job. They’re getting the hang of everything quickly. It’s a nice place to work.”

“That’s great, Ash.” Shorter says, meaning every word. Because while Ash sings the praises of this workplace, it’s completely in contrast with the most sullen expression on his face. Shorter can see it in the way Ash cascades his gaze to the ground - as though he’s looking at nothing in particular. His mind is clearly miles away. The words out of his mouth have nearly no life to them. And his energy is depleted.

Shorter narrows his eyes, about to question Ash further, until he’s disrupted by a member of staff walking by,

“C’mon Shorter! We have another ten cages out back and only three and a half hours left to shelf them!”

“Oh, yeah. Alright!” He nods to them, and side-steps around Ash before patting his shoulder, “Sorry man, I gotta get going. Good luck at that new store.”

“Yeah. Thanks. See you.”

Ash continues his shopping from there, slowly making his way down the aisle with his shoulders slightly slumped and his head lowered to the ground. From behind, Shorter can tell Ash is almost dragging his feet as he goes. He looks the picture of pitiful.

Shorter approaches the staff member that had collared him, and they immediately ask, “Was that Ash you were talking to just now? He looks a little out of it, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. I was thinking the same thing.” Shorter adds, and lingers his gaze back at him before turning over his shoulder to return back to work.

Ash carries on this melancholy demeanour until he reaches around the produce aisles to pick up the vegetables. He goes for the basket of ripe tomatoes despite the heavy traffic of people surrounding him. That’s when his fingers lightly touch over someone else’s hand as he goes to grab a tomato, and immediately flinches away from the sudden contact. And, just as his eyes naturally raises to the person he clashed with, Ash audibly gasps when he realises who it is he’s accidentally bumped into.

“Oh! Hi Ash!”

“Hey…”

Completely surprised, Ash nearly bores a hole through Eiji’s head with the way he stares so dumbly back at him.

“What a surprise seeing you here instead of behind the counter this time! I almost didn’t recognise you out of uniform.”

“Oh, yeah… sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to see you so suddenly.” Ash admits, feeling unexpectedly flustered. He can’t help but notice the long and slender coat that Eiji is wearing over his work suit, which glides around his waist so snugly and shows off his slim build very attractively. And yet, in sharp contrast, Eiji’s hair is still the style of a mop on his head which frames the youthful shape of his face. He’s adorably handsome; dressed so smart while his personality shines right through it.

“Were you going to have that tomato?” Eiji asks, tilting his head.

“Ah, no, go ahead. You can have it.”

“Really?” Eiji questions, but Ash puts it in Eiji’s hand before he can even protest. Eiji beams, “Thank you!”

“Don’t worry about it.” Ash says before narrowing his eyes to the tomato, making an offhand observation, “You like tomatoes, right? I remember the last time we spoke, you mentioned that you liked a lot of tomato flavoured dishes.”

“Now that you mention it, yeah I do! But honestly I don’t have a specific preference when it comes to food. I’m open to trying a lot of stuff. I just love eating! Especially the meals you make in your deli.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Ash says sincerely. Then, with a slight bow of his head, almost in an effort to hide away his tomato-coloured face, Ash goes to part ways, “I’ll see you around then, Eiji.”

“Okay, see you later!”

They walk in opposite directions then. And Ash is grateful for that, because he has to take a moment to clutch at his chest and acknowledge the sudden spike of his heartbeat. His face is completely flushed. It’s unlike him to really break a sweat in front of anyone - he’s usually the one to make the other person unnerved - so this is a first for Ash. His palms feel sweaty and his body is warmer than usual. But he’s unclear as to why.

And for the rest of his shopping trip, his thoughts linger on the short exchange he’s just had with Eiji. The image of his beaming smile is something he keeps coming back to. The way that the guy would smile impishly, as though his small mouth couldn’t bring it ear-to-ear, but his eyes would narrow from the fullness of his cheeks lifting them as he grinned… Ash really thought the man was cute. Never usually a thought that goes through his head about another man. Or another person in general, really.

On the way home, Ash realises he never noticed every time Eiji shopped at his deli, he’d always keep a couple tomatoes in his basket. Today Ash has learnt about one of Eiji’s preferences. It makes Ash want to know more about him…

* * *

 

The next day, after Ash’s fourth shift has finally ended - and after glancing at the clock many times - Ash heads over to the grocery store attached to his deli to pick up some food for the evening. It’s just after the peak of rush hour, so the traffic of people has died down a little.

And as luck would have it, Ash finds Eiji shopping down the aisles again. Once more, the previous symptoms have erupted just as badly as the first time. Ash feels his body growing hot as sweat breaks out all around him. He’s never really been this tense with anyone before, so he’s unsure what to do or what to say. But he desperately tries to appear cool-headed and hide away the nerves at any cost. Then, just as their eyes meet halfway down the aisle, and as Eiji’s face lights up upon recognising him, Ash inhales quickly before slowly going to approach him.

Eiji smirks with an eyebrow raised, “Well hi again.”

“Hey Eiji.”

“Seems like we shop at the same time, huh?”

“Seems like.”

“It’s usually about this time that I see you working, though.” Eiji comments, looking as though he was reluctant to say this, and his gaze averts away from Ash as he asks, “I was wondering since last time we saw each other, but… does this possibly mean you don’t work here anymore?”

Ash’s eyes widen, startled that he even came to that conclusion, and blinks hard before answering, “N-No, nothing like that. Actually I’m temporarily working a few transfer shifts at another store for a while. But I’ll be back in a little under two weeks time.”

“Oh, is that right?” Eiji finally looks back at him, with eyes as wide as his, and a small smile creeps on his lips as an audible breath of relief escapes from his throat, “I see, so that’s what it was. That’s good, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to eat any more of your delicious cooking...”

Ash’s heartbeat had a slight jump-start after hearing this. He withholds a quiet laugh behind a smile, holding his hand over his mouth as he answers, “Is that what you were concerned about?”

“I don’t know how you do it to make them taste so good! I’m not really skilled in cooking so it all goes over my head…”

Ash peers to Eiji’s empty basket, “Well… since I’m here, do you want to shop for some ingredients together? I can tell you some of the things that I do that could help you out.”

“That’d be… yeah, that’d be helpful, thank you!” Eiji says, a little overwhelmed at first, but liking the idea the more it dawns on him, “Hey, maybe I can recommend some of my favourite snacks to you in return! I guess I won’t be much of a healthy influence on you, but - well, just my opinion - some things are just too tasty to pass up. C’mon, I’ll show you something I’ve been buying a lot of lately.”

Ash is dragged along with Eiji as he energetically leads them down the aisles, and the conversation flows naturally from there. They talk about food, as there’s an obvious shared interest there, but every now and again they stray into something off-topic out of genuine interest in each other. Eiji brings up the subject of his home back in Japan after talking about Japanese cuisine, and Ash wants to follow up with more questions about that… but there’s only so much he could fit into a conversation in a short shopping trip at the grocery store.

Before he knew it, Ash and Eiji are waiting in line for the cash register. Outside looks nearly pitch black from the winter evening blanketing over them. It looks too cold to walk out into. The darkness looks almost too daunting to tread alone. Ash chews on his bottom lip for a moment before turning to his side,

“Hey, Eiji?”

“Hm?”

“Do you come here after your work shift is over?”

“Yeah I do, Monday to Friday. Occasional Saturday or Sunday too. I’m a bit of a workaholic.”

“Tomorrow’s Friday. You reckon I’ll see you again same time, same place?”

“If you come here after your work shift too, then I should think so.”

“Ok. Alright, cool.” Ash says, feeling hopeful, “Then I’ll likely see you tomorrow.”

“Same time, same place.” Eiji laughs gently. They share a lingering gaze to one another from there, as though a silent agreement is made between them, and then they wave as they split ways to separate cash registers. And wave a second goodbye as they exit the store.

* * *

 

The fifth shift ends. Someone comments to Ash that he looks like he’s glad that it’s Friday. He answers back that they might be right. He’s rushing to get out of his uniform and he takes extra effort to straighten his casual clothes before leaving his workplace. As he glances at the time on his phone, he’s wondering if it might be a little too early to go to the grocery store. He figures he might’ve been a bit too eager to leave work that day. But he also figures… he can just take a little longer to browse the store. Ash clings on to the excuse that he could use the time to look for more potential meals to create and inspire new dishes. Any excuse at all will do, really.

The rush hour traffic is still high by the time Ash arrives, and there’s a bit of a struggle to get past the crowds of people down the aisles. Even so, Ash doesn’t move any farther down the store as he lingers near the entrance. Ash is idly looking around the area, but not really taking in everything he sees, until finally, Ash spies Eiji walk through the automatic doors. His hair is just the same as always. But his face is a little more flushed than usual, as though he had jogged all the way here.

Ash catches his eye from the bright light given off from the snack fridge just to the left of the entrance way. It’s completely unsubtle that Ash has been waiting there. His position is completely opposite from the shelves, uninterested in the products that are displayed there. Ash just hopes that Eiji hasn’t noticed.

“Hi Ash! Cold out there today!” Eiji comments as he approaches, placing his hands over his face and sniffs. His voice sounds a little stifled. “I think I’m coming down with something. Might just need some chicken soup tonight.”

“Yeah? I can tell you my recipe for a soup I make when I’m feeling sick--”

“Nah, that’s alright. I’d just completely botch it up. I guarantee whatever I’ll attempt will just make me sicker. I’ll just stick to the tinned kind for now.” Eiji smiles, more softly this time, “Thanks, though. You know… I thought this before, but… has anyone ever told you that you’re pretty easy to talk to?”

“What, really? No, no one’s ever said that.” Ash suddenly fumbles over his words, completely thrown by this comment, and attempts so desperately to overcome shaken feelings, “I… I’m usually told the opposite. I’ve been told that I’m unapproachable or that I’m hard to deal with. Not that anyone’s meant it as bad as it sounds… I think people just skirt around the issue that I can be difficult to understand.”

Ash slightly regrets saying such thoughts out loud, fearful that he’s only painting himself in a bad light to Eiji. Now that Ash is adamant to get to know Eiji a little better, he doesn’t want to ruin the best chance he has by putting up any walls between them, like he’s done many times before with past relationships.

But Eiji remains wide-eyed, with an unflinching smile.

“Everyone has boundaries, right? I get it. Maybe these people just get the wrong impression of you. Maybe it’s a little too early for me to truly say yet.” Eiji lightly teases, even nudging his elbow against Ash’s arm. Then he grins, in a manner that seems innocent and yet completely good-natured, “Let’s have a look around, okay? Tell me how you make chicken soup, even if I won’t be making it myself.”

Ash exhales through the slit of a smile. He’s relaxed in Eiji’s presence. It’s nice to acknowledge how quickly he feels himself around Eiji without putting on any false airs. Though their conversation bounces around any random topic that comes to mind, this time it’s anything but the topic of food. It’s almost like they’ve moved past the need to hold on to a shared interest to make an interesting conversation, and instead, there’s a mutual intrigue in each other’s lives and interests. Eiji asks about Ash’s favourite television shows, Ash asks about Eiji’s hobbies outside of work. It eventually leads up to the subject of Eiji’s previous life back home in Japan, and Ash is glad he could finally query that further. And even then, it’s not enough in the short time they have together.

As they approach the deli section where Ash usually works, Eiji takes a moment to look over the options available to him with his fingers resting against his lips. Ash raises his eyebrows before asking,

“Do you eat our side dishes every day?”

“You got a problem with that?” Eiji grins, laughing over his shoulder, his eyebrows furrowing despite his wide smile, “You should know how good these dishes are considering you’re the one that makes them. They’re home-made. I think that just makes them taste better.”

“I’m glad you like our dishes so much.” Ash says with a smirk, suddenly caught up in Eiji’s playfulness, “It’s too bad that I’ve not been around to make them especially for you. Just wait one more week and I’ll be back to making as many side dishes as you want. I’ll even put them aside for you so they’ll be waiting right after you’re done with work.”

“Will you? Really?”

“No.” Ash grins menacingly. “No special treatment. You’re still a paying customer.”

“Aw, Ash, you can’t do that to me, you’ve just raised my hopes and shot them down! So cruel!” Eiji cries, but can’t completely conceal the tug of a smile lifting up the corner of his lips.

Ash acknowledges it then; the atmosphere between them is so nice. It’s not too serious but not too immature. They’ve relaxed around each other to the point where they feel they can be themselves without being judged by the other person. Something clicks between them. Something just fits, where a genuine friendship is formed, and from it springs the pleasant feeling of just enjoying each other’s company. Sometimes that kind of connection is hard to find, especially as quickly as this. Ash just feels thankful for meeting Eiji. For as fast as they are growing close to each other, Ash doesn’t mind the sweeping pace of this typhoon friendship. He doesn’t regret the sights of Eiji’s fleeting smiles burying deep into Ash’s heart - they’ll only serve to be cherished there.

Ash and Eiji spend a long time together only to buy a couple things in the end. The cash register line reminds them both that this is the moment to part ways. As they approach, the conversation they have slows down, and a melancholy tone takes over regardless of whatever they are talking about. It doesn’t matter really. Now they’re too conscious of having to cut it short. Ash is awkwardly silent for a brief moment. He’s feeling unusually reluctant to be the one to say goodbye. It’s a hilarious equivalent of not wanting to hang up the phone first.

Eiji picks up his hesitance, and takes the initiative to comment, “I’ll probably need to buy another tin of soup tomorrow. I mean, I could buy one now ahead of time, but…”

He drags his feet across the floor. As his voice trails off, Eiji’s face becomes a little flushed, hidden beneath the guise of his developing cold.

Ash responds immediately. “I’ll probably need to pick up a few things for tomorrow’s dinner too.”

Eiji stares at the ground but his ears pick up from the lift of a smile. He nods in silent acknowledgement. Although tomorrow is a Saturday, and neither of them are working, there is a subtle hopeful tone that they’ll bump into each other again the next day. Same time, same place.

From there, Ash finally says his goodbye as he parts ways to a separate queue. And Eiji waves to him through the window outside as he leaves towards the subway.

* * *

 

The next day, as expected, Ash and Eiji meet up on time. Though they miss each other Sunday, they meet up once again on the following Monday… and Tuesday… and Wednesday. Every time they get off work, they go and visit the store for their food shopping. Like a ritual, Ash is the one to arrive first, and blatantly waits near the entrance until Eiji arrives to accompany him around the aisles. It’s getting to the point where Ash knows exactly where Eiji’s eyes wander around each section, and guesses all the products that he usually favours and puts into his basket. Ash chooses different things every time, feeling inspired to try new recipes and experiment with different flavours. And just to throw Eiji off the scent. He refuses to become just as predictable as him - purely out of fear that Eiji might see right through him.

But by Thursday, Eiji is unusually late. Ash feels more conscious of how long he waits near the entrance as twenty minutes roll by. He checks his watch, and notices how the rush hour crowd has dispersed dramatically within that time. There’s specks of snow falling through the air outside, and the dark mist is slightly cloaking over the neon New York lights littered down the street. It’s more bitter than usual. It’s too cold to be walking too long out there. Ash starts fidget restlessly. He’s beginning to worry.

Just then, Eiji finally arrives. His steps appear sluggish as he wanders in. And when he goes to pick up a basket beside the automatic doors, his strength appears to be shattered as he struggles to lift it in one hand. Ash immediately goes forward to meet in the middle.

“You okay Eiji?”

“Oh, Ash. Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve definitely come down with a cold though. It’s gotten a little worse since last night...”

Eiji’s eyes look glazed, as if his vision is ever-so-slightly unfocused. His face is bright red like a lantern, and his blue lips are just about covered by his thick scarf that wrap over his jaw. Ash presses his lips together into a tight line, furrowing his eyebrows in a tight knit before gently taking the basket from Eiji’s hands.

“Here, let me carry this.”

“Ash, you don’t have to--”

“Will you let me make you soup tonight?” Ash suddenly suggests boldly, before retracting to say it again, gently this time, “That is, would you like to come over to my place? I’ll make dinner for you. All you have to do is rest.”

“Ash…” Eiji sounds out his name softly, feeling touched and a little dazed, “…okay. I’d like that.”

* * *

 

Ash treats Eiji a bit like a sick patient when they get to his home. He tells Eiji to crash on the sofa and lends him a huge blanket to wrap around himself. Then, as he turns up the space heater to heat up the place, Ash gets to work in the open-spaced kitchen just on the other side of the room. Eiji ignores the television that Ash had turned on for him and simply watches Ash’s back.

He looks like an alter ego of himself when he’s focused on cooking - more sophisticated and confident in his stance. The slender arch of his back appears muscular, up to the attractive slope of his neck, and the protruding bones from the back of his shoulders straining against his tight shirt. He stands as though he’s holding a powerfully masculine form. It’s magnetic to look at Ash. He’s got a silent charm that’s as alluring as it is cryptic. Eiji’s stares at him in a daze like that for a long while before he even realises what he’s doing. But Ash never notices this. He’s completely oblivious to the way his long-legged appearance has enamoured Eiji.

Instead, when he finishes cooking, Ash serves the chicken broth into two bowls between them, and perches on the sofa next to Eiji as they eat together in silence. Though for Eiji, this doesn’t last too long as his jaw drops in astonishment after the first spoonful.

“Ash… wow! This tastes amazing! Thank you!”

“Glad you like it.” Ash replies, shy to the compliment and averts his gaze away.

After the meal is fully eaten, Eiji looks as though he’s recovered almost immediately from his sickness. They’re watching a comedy on TV for a while, and Eiji’s laughter grows more boisterous as the evening goes on. He even suggests that they start drinking to make the night that little bit better. Though Ash objects at first, he’s seemingly powerless against Eiji when he begs. With his tie loosened around his neck and his usual smart shirt suddenly unbuttoned from the top, this lax appearance is a side of Eiji that Ash hasn’t seen yet… and it’s just as adorable as when he’s dressed to the nines. Ash is fatally defeated, and fetches a few bottles from the fridge for them to share.

It’s well into the night as they finish around three or so bottles of beer, and somehow end up under the blanket together on the sofa. Ash has fished out whatever snacks he’s had hiding in the cupboards, and Eiji’s starting to feel loose-lipped and cheery.

“You bought these after I mentioned how they’re one of my favourite snacks, didn’t you?” Eiji teases, holding up an opened bag of chips.

“What makes you say that?”

“Didn’t you tell me that you’d never tried them before I recommended them?”

“I guess I did say that.”

“Wasn’t I with you when you bought them a few days ago?”

“I might’ve forgotten.”

“You forgot what you bought only a few days ago?”

“I buy a lot of things.”

Ash grins, looking ahead of him at the TV before suddenly noticing how much closer Eiji has shuffled towards him. Ash flinches in shock. He’s too conscious of how much Eiji has leant over to him when his face splits into the widest smile, and his eyes appears glazed in that alluring way that drunken vision causes.

Eiji holds up two chips between his finger and thumb, “Try some.”

A sudden flush of crimson flourishes over Ash’s face as he hesitates to part his lips. He sounds out - ‘ah’ - as he leans forward to capture it between his teeth, while his tongue accidentally brushes against Eiji’s skin to do so. He wonders how drunk Eiji is… he wonders how drunk he is himself… Ash never really realises how much he’s had to drink until moments like these, when encountering such sobering moments forces him to acknowledge exactly how drunk he is. An internal battle wars between a responsible side of him, and the devil on his shoulder that tempts him to let go of all inhibitions and let loose.

It’s that beast of latent desire deep within Ash that tells him not to let Eiji know that he’s tried these snacks before.

“Well? How is it?” Eiji asks eagerly.

Ash smiles, feeling his cheeks warm, “They’re really good.”

“Right? They’re so tasty! Let’s eat them together, okay?”

“Sure.”

“They don’t hold a candle to your delicious meals though.”

“Is that right?” Ash withholds a laugh, especially as Eiji clenches his fists as though his words come out as passionately as he believes them to be through his slightly drunken slurs.

“No, really, I’m serious! It feels like ages since I’ve had a really good meal, and you’ve only been away from the deli for two weeks! It’s enough time to really miss what you make!”

“Now I know you’re exaggerating.” Ash dismisses such sentiments with a teasing laugh, which only encourages Eiji to continue more ardently than before.

“You know what? I’m not exaggerating enough. In fact, eating it together with you actually tastes better than eating it at home alone. It tastes different. The good kind of different. Does that make sense?”

Ash stares at him for a moment, caught up in the flow of his tone, before cascading his gaze away with an outbreak of a tender smile on his lips. “If you say so. I’m glad, anyway.”

“Good. Please feed me again sometime, okay? Tonight was really fun. So let’s do it again some time…”

No poet can explain the measurement of how much that moved Ash’s heart in that moment. An awakening feeling had began to take form in Ash’s own soul, welcoming the possibility of every kind of passion, excitement and acceptance that comes from knowing Eiji’s warmth. Ash succumbs to it, annihilated by it… addicted to it. Ash isn’t the same again.

* * *

 

The week comes around when Ash returns to his post at the deli. It’s like coming home again when he steps into the kitchen. His work colleagues welcome him back and they get to work like he’d barely even left. Though surprisingly, Ash’s habit of clock-watching hasn’t stopped. It’s as though he’s carried this new hobby with him. But this time he isn’t waiting for his shift to end. These shifts at the deli stretch past the rush hour compared the job at the other store. Which means there won’t be any more meet-ups at the store anymore as Ash’s shift ends a few hours later than the rush hour. But he hasn’t made a fuss over it. This time, he’s happy with every new dish he displays on to the shelf knowing that by the time the rush hour subsides, a certain customer will come to pick one up for his dinner.

Ash spots Eiji come in through the deli doors with something in his hands. While Ash shelves the final package dish, he turns over his shoulder to welcome him.

“Evening Eiji. Feels like it’s been a while since I’ve seen you from the other side of the counter.”

“Evening Ash…” Eiji says breathlessly. He’s undoing his scarf a little and adjusting the coat over his suit as though he’s hot and bothered in those clothes. Ash narrows his eyes curiously. Eiji appears more restless than usual.

“Are you alright?”

As Eiji takes a deep breath, as though to swallow his nerves, Eiji suddenly holds out both of his hands and presents a packaged box in a plastic container. Habitually, Eiji bows his head a little, regardless of who else in the room, and declares rather loudly,

“I… I wanted to say thank you for feeding me the other night. You know, that night when you made me the soup? I felt so much better after eating it! And… we had such a fun night! I didn’t know how else to thank you, so… I tried making you a boxed dinner. H-Here it is.”

Eiji can barely lift his head up from the embarrassment. He’s visibly sweating from the forehead. Even his hands are shaking slightly, as though he’s nervous to present it in such a way. Meanwhile Ash is completely overwhelmed by this sudden and unusual show of gratitude. His work colleagues have poked their heads around the corner of the kitchen to take a look, and customers are peering from the sides at the sight. Eiji has made this look too official to seem like a simple gift-giving, and Ash is too flustered to think of what to do right away. For as smart as he’s usually praised to be, Eiji’s actions always seem to catch him off guard and completely confound him. Eiji knows how to strike at his weaknesses.

Ash finally stutters a reply, “Th… thank you, Eiji… uh, hold on. Follow me around the back. I’ll take my break now.”

They scurry through the front doors and edge around the side of the building to enter into the back area where the deli workers take their breaks. Ash perches them together on the steps of the fire exit door around the back of the building, submerged in the moody floodlight from the protruding ceiling that hangs above them. The darkness of the evening is drowned out by the fluorescence of the spotlight, highlighting these steps as an isolated part of the city that is hard to find in a crowded city like New York. Ash and Eiji feel truly alone there, despite the distant muffled bustle of the people inside the building. Still, Ash feels cut off from the world with Eiji by his side, sat on the step by his feet with the boxed dinner he made tightly gripped on his lap. Ash doubles over, sliding his hat from his head to cover his face, in a desperately vain attempt to cover the rush of a blush overtaking his expression.

Ash whispers, “You didn’t have to do that…”

“Hm?”

“Not that I’m… ungrateful. It’s just that I offered to make you dinner that night. You didn’t have to do anything in return for me…”

As Ash says this, he feels the crimson tint on his face deepen as the heat rises all over his body. He feels as though the blood in his veins ignites into flames from how often he feels waves of embarrassment wash over him completely.

“I know. But I felt like I had to do something for you. It feels like you do a lot for me already. I wanted a turn, y’know?”

Ash peeks from underneath his hat then, and finds how close Eiji has leant toward him. And his smile is as gentle as his words had sounded out, completely emphasising how sincere he means them to be. Then, once again, presents the boxed dinner he made for him.

“It probably won’t taste very good. It’s definitely not up to the standards of your cooking. But I wanted to give it a shot anyway. Just to show you how thankful I am.”

Ash takes it slowly. He opens it up and scans the contents. It’s a basic stir-fry, with plenty of vegetables that look as though they’ve been shoddily cut up. But nevertheless, the effort is obviously there. Ash immediately digs in regardless. The look on his face shows he much he’s enjoying it, even though the taste doesn’t even register to him. It’s the intent behind it that tastes so sweet. Between each bite, Ash words out what he can make sense of his overwhelming feelings,

“I’m grateful. And I’m… glad that you like my food as much as you do. The ones at the deli and the dinner I made for you at home. I’m happy enough just knowing that you enjoy them.”

Eiji’s expression softens. And tenderly places a hand over Ash’s knee as he leans forward. As casual as it appears to be, Ash can’t deny how much this intimacy is stirring his heartbeat.

“Then, if it’s alright with you, what do you think about meeting up occasionally for dinner?” Eiji suggests gently, “I’ll pay for the ingredients if you come over my place next time and cook us both dinner. How about it? I’d really love your company too.”

Ash’s eyes widen. Never has an idea sounded as tempting as this in his life. If every night at Eiji’s place would be like how it was that one time at Ash’s home, then he’d have jumped on the idea without a second thought. But he reigns it in, and masks the growing excitement in his stomach as he withdraws an itching smile from showing on his face with another bite of stir-fry. Ash’s eyes avert to the side, since he’s determined to come across as cool as possible, especially in Eiji’s presence. And he tries not to sound too enthusiastic as he replies.

“Why stop at dinners? I don’t mind making you packed lunches too. I… I may as well, since I’ll be taking over your kitchen.” Ash attempts to save his grace at the end.

But he fears that he might’ve pushed it too far too soon with that suggestion. Eiji only responds with his eyes as wide and as sparkling as they’ve ever been. He’s happy and elated as a child then, still as youthful as he can be in the expensive suit and coat that he’s in.

Still, his smile bears all the insatiable warmth that Ash hurts to look at. This warmth that drains him and devours him to the bare bone. It will never be enough to gaze at. And Eiji - oblivious to this destruction - only replies with a divine innocence,

“While you’re at it, please stay over and make breakfast too!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update, my work has been taking over my life! Hopefully this extra long chapter has made up for the extra long wait!


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh shit! Oh shit! Fuck, oh shit!”

Ash is woken up by an unusual string of slurs from the lounge area of his home. Groggily, Ash pushes himself out of bed and drags his feet to open the bedroom door. He leans against the door-frame as he simply watches the man who’d crashed on his lounge sofa throwing himself around the room. Eiji Okumura stumbles around the place with half a sock on his foot and uneven buttons fastened on his white shirt.

By this point, the two of them often stayed over each other’s places so Ash can take turns using both of their kitchens. This time Eiji had been invited over to sleep overnight. But this unbalanced routine has disrupted Eiji’s sleep cycle. He’s slept through his alarm, and now he’s grabbing every piece of clothing he can find from the night before. He throws it on his body as fast as possible, attempting to dress himself in a mad rush.

Ash blinks slowly, adjusting his eyes to the light streaming in through the windows, and mumbles quietly,

“I’ve never heard you swear before, Eiji… sounds strange coming from you…”

“Oh, good morning Ash!” Eiji calls out breathlessly, immediately shifting his tone the moment he sees Ash. While messing with his tie and tightening it around his neck, Eiji asks, “Did I wake you? Sorry, I was trying to be quiet but I’ve only just realised the time and I’m running late…”

“It’s okay.” Ash assures him. He’s still slowly blinking, and Eiji notices. A grin breaks out on his face, and hops towards Ash despite tripping over his socks.

“It’s a shame. I was planning on surprising you by making breakfast. I’ll get up even earlier next time to do it for you. For now just go back to bed and get some rest. I must’ve kept you up all night last night.”

Eiji suddenly feels the urge to ruffle up Ash’s bedridden hair. Moments like these remind him that he’s the older one out of the two, not that Ash is all that younger. Even so, Eiji likes taking advantage of being the eldest by taking on a sort of older guardian role in their friendship. When Eiji does ruffle up Ash’s hair, it looks as though Ash doesn’t mind in the slightest. Though it’s hard to tell from someone like Ash. He’s not stoic as much as he’s quiet and aloof. Either that or he’d let Eiji do anything he’d like to him. Neither of them are sure. Neither of them think about it too deeply.

Eiji grabs his coat and flings it over his shoulders while sticking his briefcase under his arm. Then, as he makes his escape towards the door, he shouts over his shoulder,

“Thanks for having me again, Ash. I’ll see you tonight for dinner!”

Then, after shuffling into his shoes, Eiji runs out the door and sprints away. Ash is still shaking out of his dreamlike state to really register Eiji’s departure. It doesn’t properly dawn on him until he looks around the lounge and notices how much of a deathly silence falls on the place as soon as he’s left. Eiji’s presence adds that little bit of life that Ash has been missing from this home since Griffin’s passing. And yet Eiji’s presence is still unique, where he’s neatly folded the blanket he borrowed to sleep with on the sofa. Even the pillows look freshly plumped up as to cover where he’s slept on. It’s just like Eiji to take extra consideration to things like that.

Then, in the corner of Ash’s eye, he notices a plastic box left on the table. Ash’s eyebrows raise.

‘He’s forgotten his packed lunch’, Ash realises. He goes to pick it up and inspects the contents; pasta, prawns and vegetables. Ash breathes a sigh, smiling to himself as he cradles it in his hands, ‘Eiji would’ve enjoyed this. He even specifically requested it this time’.

Ash goes to the bedroom to pick up the phone from his bedside table, and opens his contacts to text Eiji the sad news of what he’s missed… but then comes an idea. He hesitates on it for a second, while staring at the blank template on his phone to consider it for a moment… before coming to the conclusion of closing his phone, and goes to get dressed.

* * *

 

Eiji Okumura’s stomach rumbles mid-way through an office meeting, and echoes loud enough to disrupt the manager in the midst of a presentation. Everyone’s heads turn to his direction, and he turns bright red in immediate response. ‘Sorry’, he mouths with his head lowered down. Then he places his head in his hand as the stern-faced manager picks up from where he left off.

When the meeting adjourns, Eiji paces down the hallway of his office building with Shunichi Ibe close in tow. Ibe digs his hands in his pockets as he meets Eiji in the eye. The corner of his lips curl up into a mischievous grin, and Eiji turns away to pout his lips.

“You hungry, Eiji?”

“Obviously.” He sulks. “I’m so annoyed with myself. First I sleep though my alarm this morning, and then I forget to bring my packed lunch with me.”

“Bad luck there, Eiji. I was just going to the café down the street. I’m craving a bagel today. You’re welcome to join me.”

Eiji is reluctant to answer, as he only has Ash and his cooking dominating his mind, but sadly nods in defeated compliance.

“Alright…”

“Yeesh Eiji, you look like a sad puppy. Look at you, even your eyes have gone all watery.” Ibe laughs as he pokes Eiji’s forehead where his eyebrows have furrowed upwards, “Must’ve been a pretty good lunch to miss out on, hm?”

“I was looking forward to it, yeah…” Eiji replies sullenly, and follows Ibe out the front of the building.

But then, his dragging feet halt immediately as soon as Eiji spies exactly who it is waiting for him at the base of the steps. Eiji flinches in shock. Ibe notices him stop walking, and looks over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow. Then he follows Eiji’s gaze and lands on the tall blonde man resting against the bottom of the railings sloping down the stairs.

“Wh… A-Ash…” Eiji can barely get his words out as his surprise has caught him off guard too much.

Ash turns over his shoulder and finally spies Eiji standing at the top of the steps. He’s dressed for a chilly winter day, in many thick layers with a long tan coat fastened around him reaching down to his calves. While his hands bury deep into his pockets, Eiji doesn’t notice the bag hanging off of his shoulder, as he’s occupied by the sight of Ash looking almost regal in his relaxed and composed stance. Eiji can’t tell how long he’s been waiting there. He’s as calm as a statue, and marbled as a sculpture.

Then, as Ash finally climbs the steps to approach him, he slides the bag off his shoulder.

“Hey Eiji, you forgot something.”

“Huh… wh-?”

“Your lunch. You left it behind, remember?”

“O-Oh…”

Ash places the bag with the lunch inside into Eiji’s hands.

“I hope this is okay. I remember where you said you worked since we talked about it last night. And I had some time to kill today, so I didn’t mind bringing it over.”

“Wow… thanks, Ash. This is… I mean, you’re the best!” Eiji stutters, still completely flustered just from seeing him there.

Then, in a comically similar style to how Eiji bowed in front of Ash when they first met, Ash ducks his head forward a little and grins to the fumbling man.

“Well then, I’ll be in your continued care from now on.”

Eiji’s face completely washes over in a red tint as his smile bursts wide, and his hands shake while holding the bag in his arms from the sudden tremor of his heartbeat. “Y-Yeah! Thank you so much, Ash!”

He smiles before turning away, and for a moment, the winter sun shining in the background creates the perfect halo around Ash’s form as he descends down the stairs. Eiji is left staring at the back of him for a while, replicating that familiar drunken state where he was entranced by his back while cooking in the kitchen. It confuses him for a brief second as to why he felt a twinge of that same drunkenness from that time. But he’s brought back to his senses when Ibe returns to his side to comment,

“Nice timing. Just as you were missing your lunch, it gets brought straight to you. Guess you won’t be coming to the café after all.”

“Yeah, wow… that really surprised me.” Eiji still stammers, squeezing the box in his hands as he’s still getting over the state of shock from seeing Ash at his workplace. It’s moments like these that make Eiji realise just how attentive Ash is over everything Eiji’s said to him. Ash remembers small details about Eiji that even he forgets about. Eiji squeezes the boxed lunch again, as though in time with the clench of his heartstrings.

“He was pretty good-looking. Who was that guy?” Ibe questions.

“Oh, he works at a deli I frequent. The dishes he makes there are so delicious. They’re all home-made too, which makes them taste so much better! I go there almost everyday, and the guy makes fun of me for it but I don’t think he really minds…”

Eiji sings the praises of this deli for a little while longer, and Ibe observes how cheerfully he talks about this place. He wonders if Eiji’s even aware about how much energy he’s putting into every compliment. He gives Ash such a shining review that Ibe can’t help but smile along with him.

“You must really like this place. I’ll have to drop by myself and convince the guy to bring my own lunches to work.”

“Huh?! No, wait…”

Ibe teases Eiji like that before parting ways to descend down the stairs, leaving Eiji a little breathless with his packed lunch. Now he can go back inside and eat it just like he wanted to.

Meanwhile Ash walks down the streets of New York frozen to the bone, but happy now that Eiji has been given the lunch he’d left behind. All throughout his walk, Ash lists all sorts of ideas on what to make them for dinner tonight. He’s stuck for choice as Eiji makes it so easy to cook for - he’ll eat anything that Ash makes for him. And in turn, Ash enjoys the faces he makes when he’s eating them. Eiji’s enjoyment shows so evidently on his face. It makes all the hours of cooking for him worthwhile at the end.

Ash nearly whistles to the sky as he walks. Thinking about spending yet another night together puts him in the highest spirits. And Ash is finally starting to understand why…

* * *

 

It continues on where Ash and Eiji regularly meet up in the evenings to eat dinner together. Either at Ash’s home or Eiji’s place, Ash is always cooking for the both of them and leaving the leftovers for lunches for the following day. They grow closer and closer as the days go on, to the point where Ash feels as though he’s sharing a home again. He leaves ingredients of Eiji’s favourite meals in the cupboards for the occasions when he comes over. Not that he minds whatever he feeds him. Eiji has told Ash time and time again that whatever Ash makes is always delicious. Ash gets an enormous kick out of this every time, regardless of how many times he’s said it.

He’s just happy. Standing in the kitchen with portions of food strewn over the tabletops, while Eiji lingers beside him and begs him for a bite. Ash is happy enough to pick something up with a fork and feed it to him that way. There’s something exciting about how intimate this always feels. Eiji’s even picked up the habit of being the one to wash up the dishes right after they finish, like a routine where they’ve assigned roles for each other every time they visit. And for the first time since Griffin’s passing, Ash’s house feels like a happy one again.

This addicting happiness… he wishes that it will last forever…

But, like all good things, eventually they fade.

One day, Ash receives a phone call from Eiji while he’s in the office. He has to cancel their evening plans. Ash tells him that it’s fine and they reschedule for the following day. But Eiji has to tell him that he’ll be busy that day too. From then on, they play it by ear. Eventually, it gets to a point where Ash and Eiji can only meet up every few days in the week.

But then, the phone calls become more frequent. Suddenly they’re only seeing each other once or twice a week. Until one day, Ash receives a call where Eiji breaks some bad news.

“I’m really sorry, Ash. I’ve got a business trip coming up and I won’t be able to see you for two weeks. I would’ve told you sooner, but the boss just sprang up the opportunity and I can’t turn it down…”

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it. Work is important.” Ash assures him. There’s a pause between them then where neither of them really speak. It’s a little awkward at first, as though they both just have no idea what to say, but there’s a mutual disappointment with the circumstances that can’t be said aloud. Ash is the first to part ways, “Keep up the good work over there. I’ll catch up with you when you get back, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks Ash. You take care.”

“Yeah. You too.”

Ash hangs up the phone, and his arm drops down to his side like a weight. He sighs long and hard before shifting his work bag over his shoulder. Then he goes to drag himself from the locker room. His head is lowered and his eyes are descent to the ground as he accidentally collides his shoulder against Shorter, who’s just about to leave from his own shift.

Shorter rebounds on his heels, “Woah, sorry Ash. Didn’t see you there… hey, you alright? You look a little distracted yourself.”

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. You just finished your shift?”

“Yup, that’s me done for the day!” Shorter says enthusiastically, before noticing the bag over Ash’s shoulder filled with all sorts of ingredients sticking out the top, “You cooking all of that for yourself?”

“Guess so. My plans cancelled for tonight, so it’s all mine.”

“Doesn’t have to be. I’m free tonight, you know.” Shorter grins while mischievously raising his eyebrows, “It’s been a while since we’ve hung out. Let’s have dinner together and have a couple of drinks.”

Somehow, Ash doesn’t like the image of eating all by himself that night. He can hear the echo of Eiji’s voice reminding him that he’ll be out of town for a while. The reminder that Ash won’t be able to see him - yet again - hits at a raw nerve. So Ash picks up a faint smile and nods, “That sounds like a great idea.”

* * *

 

At Ash’s place, the tabletop where Ash prepares his dinners is packed full of different dishes and ingredients for a full feast. There’s sauces and separated plates for sides and vegetables, with the main course stacked up like a mountain of food, and a chilled beer bucket as the centrepiece. Shorter doesn’t give it a second thought before digging into it all.

Ash sits on the opposite side of him with his knife and fork hovering above his untouched food. He hesitates as his gaze lingers a little longer on Shorter’s face. Ash becomes distracted by Shorter’s expression, which has lit up with the pure joy of filling up his stomach.

“Oh man, Ash… I’ve missed your cooking so much! This tastes so damn good!” Shorter praises with a mouth full of food, and hungrily shovels more on to his plate while washing the whole thing down with a pint of beer.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” Ash says sincerely. He’s only taking a few small bites from his own plate as he continues to stare at the way Shorter eats. Ash observes how much Shorter is eating, and notices the curl of a small smile at the corner of his lips as he savours the flavours. He’s clearly enjoying the taste of it all.

But… despite the company, there’s a nagging emptiness within Ash. He’s happy that he’s able to treat Shorter with a tasty meal, and in the past, this would’ve been enough to satisfy him. But right now… Ash isn’t feeling fully satisfied. Not when there’s invading thoughts of Eiji occupying his mind. Ash just can’t help comparing the two. Through his mind’s eye, Ash catches glimpses of Eiji past Shorter’s silhouette, and he can see the figure of Eiji sitting across the table from him instead, with that familiar adorable look on his face as he devours his cooking. Ash has got too used to the image of him being there next to him while they eat together… though these days, it’s not as often. It’s an uncomfortable and lonely feeling to acknowledge this.

Ash slowly pops his fork into his mouth and casts his gaze downwards. His thoughts drift: ‘I wonder... what is he eating today? I made all of Eiji’s favourites today, but… it doesn’t matter, I just hope he’s eating properly.’

Shorter’s eyes lift up from the plates and flicker to Ash’s forlorn face. From the look of him, Shorter quickly picks up what kind of mood Ash is in. Shorter can see it in the way Ash slowly works his way through his own meal. There’s no enthusiasm there, or any sense of calm from his usual quiet and aloof demeanour. Though Ash is usually known for his lonely and distant ways, this time it’s as though he’s at his lowest form. Ash is too far away. The distance is too noticeable. So Shorter and Ash eat together in a sort of shared silence, enjoying each other’s company, but prisoner to their own deep thoughts.

By the time they finish, the empty plates are discarded to the sink as they finish the rest of their beers on the lounge sofa. Shorter sinks into the pillows, and sits back with his hand resting over his swollen stomach. His legs spread apart as though he’s making himself completely at home.

“Phew, I’m completely stuffed! Thanks for making dinner, Ash. It was really delicious!”

“Any time, man.”

“Do you make these kinds of dinners every day?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“That’s so cool. Have you always cooked for yourself?”

“Yeah, it’s no big deal…”

“It really is! Most days I can’t be bothered to make anything more than a microwaved meal. Honestly, people who have the energy to make proper dinners like the ones you make have my respect.”

“Well… thanks.” Ash says somewhat awkwardly, still unable to take the barrage of compliments. He distracts his fingers by picking at the label on his beer bottle. “Really it just comes down to a passion for cooking. I just like to cook.”

“I can see that. You put your heart into everything you make, which makes it taste that much better!”

“...feel free to come by again, Shorter. I wouldn’t mind cooking for you again.”

For a split second, Shorter was about to agree to that… but he stops. It’s at that moment he realises the tone of Ash’s voice had wavered a little. It’s enough to expose Ash’s true feelings, and that the invitation came from a deeper level of loneliness. Shorter narrows his eyes then.

“Hey Ash, I’ve noticed something tonight. And stop me if I’ve hit a nerve or anything, but…” Shorter begins, before raising his beer glass to his lips, “You were thinking about someone else while we were at the table, weren’t you?”

Ash’s eyes widen.

“Huh?” Ash turns to him, startled to hear this.

Ash didn’t expect Shorter to be able to see through him so easily. But Ash doesn’t realise how obvious his feelings pour through to his face. Shorter wants to draw attention to it. Probably because he’s had a lot to drink at this point and his lips are feeling loose, but Ash’s tendency to distance himself makes Shorter all the more curious…

“I’ve known you for quite a few years now. I know you don’t particularly take an interest in anyone. At least, you haven’t dated anyone since the time I’ve met you. So I wondered… do you have someone you like right now?”

Ash looks at Shorter. And in that space next to him on the sofa, Ash thinks of Eiji. And the times Eiji has taken up that space on the sofa, and how much Ash wants him there right now. He thinks of Eiji’s lovable smile. He thinks of Eiji’s boisterous laughter that would fill up these empty rooms. He thinks of his voice, and his suit, and his hands and his wrists and his dishevelled hair and his loving personality…

And finally he can’t deny it.

“Yeah. I have someone like that.”

The shock of his answer runs a shiver down Shorter’s spine. And the sight of him… as Ash lifts the bottle neck to his lips, there’s a hint of a tiny shy smile. It’s an expression that Shorter has never seen from him in his life. The slight glint of a reddening blush on his face, the radiating warmth from his half-lidded eyes, and his hands clasped over the beer bottle in complete defeat over his feelings… all of it paints Ash to look like the picture of a boy in love.

“Oh man…” Shorter sighs these words. He lets his head fall back against the pillows. “You know, I somehow figured that might’ve been the case. You always have this look about you like you’re looking for something that isn’t here. You haven’t seen this person for a while or something?”

“You notice a lot about me, don’t you?”

“Well, how could I not? I’ve been seeing you with that glum look on your face at work, and it’s even worse when I can see you up close.” Shorter laughs humbly, shaking the sofa a little as he lazily turns to his side, “I hope it works out for you, Ash. I mean this in the best way possible when I say that I think having someone else in your life will be good for you. And hey, if all else fails, just win them over with your delicious cooking. You know how the saying goes; ‘the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach’.”

Shorter nudges him then and grins. Ash laughs along with him, but it’s the kind of reserved laugh where half of him clings to the truth of the phrase without a hint of humour. The kind of laugh where there’s a slither of hope in that sentiment that Ash finds comfort in, despite a cynical voice countering any chances from fully believing in it.

And from there, the two chug the rest of their beer in a mutual respectful silence.

* * *

 

The evening strolls on, until eventually Shorter leaves to catch the late night subway line. He parts ways with Ash with a hug and a wave before heading down the faintly-lit New York streets.

Ash can feel the alcohol swirling through his body the moment he stands on his feet. It’s always when he finds his footing after sitting down for so long when Ash realises exactly when the drink hits him. But he’s only a little tipsy, where he’s still got some sense of himself even if he doesn’t have the best handle of his motor skills. This doesn’t stop him from searching through his fridge and looking through what little bits of food he has left. Despite the meal he made for himself and Shorter, Ash is surprised to find that he’s still got enough for a couple more days. Ash pulls open the vegetable drawer to inspect in there.

‘Ah… I bought this tomato a while ago. It looks like it might go bad if I don’t use it soon…’

As Ash stares at the withered vegetable, suddenly his thoughts wander off into a sorrowful tangent. The sight of the tomato brings back certain memories. A familiar twinge of loneliness cuts through him again, as the sudden image of Eiji springs to mind.

‘Eiji…’ Ash sounds out his name loudly in his head, as his fingers delicately brush over the shrivelling tomato, ‘…I wish I could see you right now.’

As Ash grabs hold of the tomato, his thoughts flow like an unrest river. The alcohol unhinges parts of his mind that he’d neglected to acknowledge. Ash thinks of Eiji. He thinks of the man in his suit lying next to him on the sofa. He thinks of how much they have to catch up again when they finally meet up. He thinks of how they can talk for hours after eating their meals together.

He thinks of what two people usually do after they’ve eaten…

Then, the tomato drops to the ground. It splatters across the floor. Ash holds his hand to his mouth as though to withhold a gasp.

Then he shakes his head. Ash is determined to keep his desires at bay. Though while he stares at the mess at his feet, Ash realises how much his feelings for Eiji have grown. These feelings came like an afterthought. Before Ash even knew they were coming together, Ash was so desperately attracted to the alluring light of Eiji’s spirit, he never even questioned how natural it all felt to be drawn to him. But to entertain this uncharted emotion as something deeper than friendship both excites him and terrifies him. Ash swallows a heavy gulp. He daren’t act on these feelings. He won’t risk it. He’s resolute about holding on to what they have right now…

Even if Ash can’t see him as much as he used to.

Ash is hopelessly solemn as he wipes up the tomato debris into his hands. The thought of their close friendship fading over time stings painfully in his throat, and the possibility of this becoming a reality scares him. It’s a fear that becomes more evident everyday. It grows all the more whenever they end up cancelling plans together. Though Ash understands that this generally happens when work schedules get in the way, and adults have to prioritise more than one thing at a time… it’s just that all this lost time only makes him regret all the things he hasn’t had the chance to say. There’s days where Ash just wants to pick up the phone and call for a few minutes. There’s nights where he longs for a text, just to know what he’s thinking and whether Eiji’s thinking of him in return. In between the times they can’t see each other, Ash alarmingly feels the gap between them growing wider and wider. And it hurts. It hurts to feel this lonely.

And above all else, Ash doesn’t want to return to the simple relationship between a deli worker and a customer. He can’t stand the thought…

‘Eiji, if you were to come back to the deli just as a customer… I don’t think I could do that… I couldn’t just serve you, not without feeling like I can’t reach you… I think I’d want you close to me, I’d want you so bad that it hurts.’

Suddenly, a loud chime sounds from across the room. Ash looks around to find his phone vibrating to life by the sofa. Quickly, Ash discards the tomato into the garbage and rushes towards it. And in his haste, Ash picks up the phone in a fluster.

He reads the screen with enthusiasm. ‘It’s Eiji!’

His nerves are suddenly knocked around as he clumsily unlocks his phone, and brings the phone to his ear as he stumbles to the sofa to collapse against it.

“Hello? Ash?”

“Hey… Eiji.”

“Oh, are you alright? Have I caught you in the middle of something? You sound a little breathless.”

“It’s nothing. It’s nothing.” Ash insists, while reciting a mantra in his head to gather his thoughts together, “What’s up? Are you just finished with work?”

“Yeah I have! So I was wondering if I could come over?”

“What? Right now?”

“Yeah! I mean, if that’s okay? I know it’s a little late already.” Eiji’s voice sounds a little muffled amongst the loud sounds of the trains going by in the background, but even then, Ash can pick up the slight hesitance in Eiji’s tone of voice as he continues on, “Well, truth be told, I thought I’d just be able to make do with a couple of snacks at the store on the way home tonight… but I got to thinking about you, Ash. Honestly, I really… want to see you for a little bit.”

Ash is frozen. The tips of his fingers feel as though they’re tingling from the sound of Eiji’s gentle voice resounding into them. A latent bout of pure boundless happiness spreads like a virus from there, all the way up Ash’s arms and through Ash’s ears, coursing through the canals of his body to the centre of his heart where he felt its erratic beating. He could’ve died. That bloom of emotion expanded in his chest, with an electrifying ecstasy that nearly bordered on pain. The nagging absence that lay dormant in Ash’s heart is immediately forgotten about. In an instant, Eiji fills up that space.

“Please… come over.” Ash pleads as an uncontrollable smile breaks out over his face.

“Really? I can? That’s great! I’ve really been craving your cooking!” Eiji laughs over the phone, as his breath sounds more hollow as though he’s already started walking, “I haven’t eaten anything since lunchtime so I’m pretty starving too!”

“I have some leftovers of your favourites right here.” Ash says energetically, “But if you could just do me a favour before you come… could you pick up a tomato for me?”

“A tomato? Just one? Won’t you be eating with me?”

“I’ve already eaten, but I don’t mind giving you the rest of what I have. It’s all your favourites anyway.”

“Alright then! Wait for a little while longer, I’m heading right over!”

Ash laughs. The kind of laugh that isn’t at all reserved. He laughs as though he’s bursting with all the happiness he’s subdued inside, all over the excitement of finally seeing Eiji once again. The gap between them immediately dissipates… as though one conversation over the phone was enough to close the distance.

* * *

 

“Hi Ash! Sorry I went overboard, I bought a few tomatoes instead of just the one! I didn’t know if one would really be enough!” Eiji beams his larger-than-life smile as he holds out the plastic bag for Ash to take. “And I’m sorry to keep you waiting! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s good to see you again!”

They don’t linger in the doorway for very long at all as Ash insists on helping Eiji out of his scarf and coat, and hangs them on the rack on the wall for him. While Eiji shuffles out of his shoes, Ash looks over at Eiji’s face and notices how completely red the tip of his nose is as well as his cheeks. With the way he shivers, it seems as though he’s just walked through a snowstorm. Ash hurries to turn up the heating and slightly adjusts the stove on to a hotter setting, just to heat up the kitchen and the leftovers from earlier to cook them faster. Ash figures that the sooner Eiji eats, the sooner he’ll be able to warm up.

“Dinner won’t be long now we’ve got the tomatoes. Thanks for picking them up.” Ash says as he spreads them across the kitchen counter. He pushes his sleeves past his elbows and immediately goes to work on chopping.

Meanwhile Eiji lingers to the side of him as he shrugs his suit off his shoulders, before his hands pause over the knot on his tie when he suddenly spies the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink. His eyes linger on them for a moment longer than necessary as his entire figure halts unnaturally.

“Did… did someone come over?”

“Hm?” Ash turns to look at him, then follows his gaze to the sink, “Oh, yeah. A friend from work came over for drinks not too long ago. Don’t worry about them, I’ll wash it all up later after you’ve had dinner.”

“Oh, right. Okay.” Eiji says quietly, “Did you… have dinner with them?”

“Yeah. When you called earlier to say you couldn’t make it, I’d already bought all the ingredients. There was too much for me to eat by myself, so I invited my friend to come eat with me instead. We’re lucky he didn’t have as big of an appetite as you, since he left enough leftovers for you…”

Ash’s voice quickly fades away then. The ghostly look on Eiji’s face suddenly catches him off guard. Ash stops chopping the tomatoes.

“Eiji, is there something wrong?”

“What? Oh, uh, i-it’s nothing…” Eiji meekly protests. But the sudden waver of his voice have them both unconvinced. He clearly looks unnerved by something. Eiji isn’t even looking at Ash. His thoughts seem to be so far away that he ends up idly speaking his mind, “It’s just that… well, I didn’t think that… you’d have anyone else over for dinner… besides me…”

Ash nearly drops the knife. His eyes widen. His breath is drawn into his throat from a sharp and startling inhale.

Eiji suddenly jolts in his own skin. It’s as though he’s suddenly realised exactly what he’s said. His composure is completely shaken then. Words tumble off his tongue as he tries to make sense of it all, “I mean! I, um… I didn’t mean that in a bad way or anything… I just…”

“Eiji…” Ash abruptly beckons him. Eiji looks up at him then, and his eyes are forced to lock on to Ash. He’s moved away from the counter in one smooth movement. Now he’s nearly standing over him as he casts an overbearing shadow over Eiji’s form, accentuating their height difference for a moment. “Are you saying that… you don’t like it when I invite someone else to eat?”

“I, um… well, no, I don’t mind… I think…”

Eiji is terribly flustered. Ash narrows his eyes. His heartbeat drums in his ears.

“Does it… feel like someone else has interrupted us? Did you want me to cook only for you?”

Eiji nervously runs a hand over his hair and stammers all in a fluster, “I don’t think… it’s as far as that, maybe…”

Ash switches off the stove.

“Eiji, are you telling me that I’m wrong… when you have that look on your face that’s telling me otherwise?”

“Wh… at…?”

Just then, Eiji places his hand over his face and feels the heat radiating from his blush. It’s too hot. He’s completely rattled. He holds his hand over his parted lips. It’s like he’s afraid of his own words… almost as though the gravity of what he’s just said carry a significant weight that he can’t even begin to define. It’s all such new territory. The words and the contradicting feelings behind them dip into uncharted terrains of his own heart, so much so that the sheer size of it all is intimidating to confront. Eiji looks as though he can’t speak, he can’t hear. He’s completely thrown to the point of losing all his senses.

It’s only when Ash slowly moves forward, and gently places his hand over Eiji’s to weave their fingers together, does Eiji finally register where they are and who he’s here with. Sharing the same space and the same breath between them. The air grows heavy and warm. Ash takes Eiji’s hand and carefully clasps him so tenderly like the most fragile glass. Like he’s the most special, breakable, treasured thing he’s ever held.

“I like you, Eiji.”

“Wh-”

Eiji jolts in shock. Ash’s hands are trembling.

The most precious couple of seconds pass by as Eiji casts his gaze to the ground. His expression is unreadable as he closes his eyes, as though to suppress a shuddering breath. And finally, he answers.

“...me too.”

The intense rumble of a growling stomach breaks through the tension then. Eiji’s starving appetite interrupts the two, and they both jump at the terrifying sound of it. Eiji’s head fills to the brim with a crimson blush as Ash nearly doubles forward from laughing so hard.

“I… I said I was hungry, didn’t I?” Eiji’s voice cracks as he desperately attempts to regain his composure.

“Sorry, sorry. You’re right, you did say that.” Ash says through bouts of laughter. Though Eiji is unaware of this, Ash only resorts to laughter as he tries hard to hide his true feelings.

There’s so much doubt. Denial. Unpleasant negative thoughts running through his mind and actively rejecting this turn of events. There’s so much turmoil. There’s too much at stake. A nauseous churning feeling twists in his stomach from all the nerves and the pain of what might come of them next. It’s all too new and uncertain. Above all, he’s uncertain of Eiji’s feelings for him. He still looks so hesitant and unsure of the two of them that he’s so afraid of pushing anything further out of fear of pushing it too far. So, in an attempt to shield himself from potentially getting hurt, Ash reverts to their normal ways and turns back to the stove, almost as though to hide behind the guise of normality, and continues cooking as he intends on leaving it at that for now.

“It won’t take too long to finish making dinner, so just wait a little bit longer. Oh, and I’ve got a bottle of beer left. You want one?”

Eiji wavers an answer, “I’d best not tonight.”

“Really? It’s not like you to turn down a drink.”

“Yeah, I just have work early in the morning. I need to prepare for my business trip that’s coming up. So I don’t really have the time to relax with a drink.”

“You’ve been having a rough time at your place, haven’t you?”

“It’s been pretty hard, yeah.”

“Do you need lunch tomorrow? I can make you something before you leave.”

“Ash…” Eiji breathlessly calls him. But they’re both too quick to withdraw from each other from then on, as if they’re unsure of what else to say. Eiji bites his lips together before replying, “…sure, thank you so much.”

* * *

 

After finishing dinner that night, as quickly as he’s arrived, Eiji shuffles back into his coat and perches before the doorway. He shuffles into his shoes and goes to tie his shoelaces.

“I really wish I could stay longer, Ash. But I’m really pushing the deadline. I’d better work on that as soon as possible.”

They both share an unbearable silence. Eiji’s back is turned towards Ash, who’s holding the boxed lunch he’s made for Eiji in his hands as though he can’t bear to let it go. Eiji can’t see, but Ash has his head hung so low that his hair completely covers up his face. Even though the atmosphere is awkward and tense, Eiji is determined to keep up his cheerful attitude.

“We could only see each other briefly tonight, but I’m still glad I could come over and see you! The dinner was delicious as usual! Thanks again, Ash.”

“It’s no problem.” Ash murmurs quietly.

“I’ll come back as soon as I can, I promise. In the mean time, I’m looking forward to eating this lunch you made for me. It’ll keep me going.”

It’s at that moment that Ash feels something hot pierce through him. It’s like the patience that has kept him at bay has suddenly run out. Maybe it’s the sight of Eiji’s figure hunched forward at his feet that makes him appear so far away. Maybe it’s the way Eiji’s idle conversation prolonged the time they have together a little longer. Maybe it’s the heady realisation that they might feel the same way for each other… and the terrifying direction of where to go from here. Every small step is a leap through a dangerous chasm of uncertainty. It’s all so scary and so painful…

But what’s mostly at risk now is losing him. Ash is overthrown by the storm of his emotions. Consumed by a longing. Wanting to be alive beside him. Wanting too much. Feeling too much. It’s all too much.

‘Eiji, you don’t know… how much I want you to stay here just a little longer.’

Ash falls to his knees. Eiji jerks in surprise. But then he’s frozen in place as he feels Ash’s fingers claw into his coat. Ash grabs a tight hold of Eiji’s back. He buries his face into the small of his neck. Eiji doesn’t dare to move an inch. He can’t. He’s held in place by the shackles of Ash’s pleading fingers.

“Please, Eiji… will you at least stay for breakfast? I’ll make it for you. I’ll make your favourites.” Ash begs through the croak of a small cry, “Will you stay by my side? Eiji. Stay. Please…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading everything so far! I'd appreciate a kudos or a comment if anyone's enjoyed it at all! I hope this extra long chapter makes up for the wait!


	4. Chapter 4

2am.

The reply that Eiji had given Ash keeps swimming around in his head.

‘Me too.’

The expression on Eiji’s face as he uttered those words remain permanently scarred in Ash’s mind.

He’s lying in bed now, facing towards the blaring digital clock on his bedside. Those glowing scarlet numbers depicting the time react harshly to the darkness of the night, only to be cut by the moonlight streaming through the blinds over the windows. The atmosphere is ethereal from the neon tints leaking in to the bedroom, which spill from the New York signs and billboards scattered erratically down the streets. The night is quiet and still. But despite the serenity on the surface, Ash’s heartbeat can’t calm down.

Because Eiji is lying right behind him. In the same bed. Sharing the same covers. Resting their heads on separate pillows.

Ash carefully shifts over to his other side - the side that faces Eiji. Though the faint light from the outside pours into the room, the darkness of the night still makes it a little hard to see him clearly. Even so, Ash can make out the shadowy flickers of Eiji’s eyelashes as he sleeps. He’s lying on his back with his face to the ceiling. His lips are slightly parted. Ash can ever-so-slightly hear the small intakes of breath that pass through them. The covers are pulled up all the way to his chin. His messy jet-black hair has been pushed forward from the thickness of the pillows. Eiji looks completely at peace there.

While Ash feels warm… a heat flourishes from his face to his body. It’s an unusual feeling to share the heat from his bed with another person. It’s a comfortable feeling. Ash dares to move a little closer to Eiji. Though he’s careful as to not wake him up, Ash tries his hardest not to make a sound as he shuffles himself nearer to Eiji’s body. Ash’s face arches towards the slope of Eiji’s neck. His knees only just touch against Eiji’s legs, whilst resisting the urge to tangle himself between them. Ash barely makes a sound as his nose rests slightly upon Eiji’s shoulder. Then he lets out a slow and heavy breath… as though his heart is settling there.

For a moment, Ash feels as though his whole body could sink through the mattress. It’s the closest he’s ever felt to really belonging to someone. But it’s a purely painful and unadulterated feeling of loneliness. Despite being right in front of him, Eiji feels incredibly far away. Just by laying at his side like this, Ash is desperately clinging on to him, whilst keeping at his own distance as to not overstep any boundaries. He’s at a great loss to know how to reach out to him and steal away his heart, just like Eiji had stolen his.

And while Ash has his eyes closed tight, hoping that he’d drift into a dream that tells of an answer, he hears a voice.

“Ash…”

“Hm?”

As soon as Ash opens his eyes, he’s suddenly pulled forward and taken in by Eiji’s arm. Now Eiji has turned to his side, and hooked his arm over Ash’s shoulder, then buried his hand through Ash’s hair as he holds Ash to his chest.

A sudden hitch of breath is caught in Ash’s throat, like his heart has stuck there, as he’s suddenly thrown against him. Instinctively, Ash claws into the mattress, like one would take a grip of something before a sudden fall. But his nerves quickly unhinge as he feels the soft caress of Eiji’s fingers running through his hair, tenderly stroking him at a pace so slow that it’s agonising. Ash exhales. It feels so nice.

“Can’t you sleep?” Eiji asks, with a voice as quiet as a whisper. Slowly, Ash wraps his arms around Eiji in return. Eiji takes this as his answer. “I can’t sleep either…”

Ash nuzzles into Eiji’s chest, pulling him as close as possible. Their legs tuck over one another, twisting together in a comfortable lock that doesn’t want to let go. Eiji’s fingers transition from a soft stroke to a gentle embrace as he cradles Ash’s head against him. And suddenly they’re glued there, as close together as a hand in a glove. Ash’s swollen heart drums fast and hard, while the temperature rises a couple degrees more beneath the covers. Ash feels drunk again - completely enamoured in Eiji’s overwhelming presence.

Intoxicated by every moment of this, Ash turns up his head to look into Eiji’s dark eyes. He stares back at him, with a waver in his pupils like a tremor in muddy puddles.

“Eiji…” Ash speaks his name, and slides his hand up to stroke his fingers over Eiji’s cheek… over Eiji’s eyebrows, to his eyelashes, to his nose… savouring every sensation from the touch of his skin until his thumb cascades to the edges of Eiji’s lips. From there, he whispers his name again, “Eiji.”

“Mm.” Eiji simply hums. Eiji’s blackened eyes cloud over, then he closes them, slowly, as if he’s sinking into complete submission. The atmosphere becomes heavy from the warmth. It enraptures them both as they feel safe in each other’s arms. Ash’s thumb pulls Eiji’s lips apart to open his mouth. As he strokes over the soft edges of Eiji’s lips, Ash stares intensely at the tongue that suddenly appears, lightly licking Ash’s invading thumb in a feathery sensual tease. Ash’s breath shudders.

“Eiji, please…” he begs as he takes hold of Eiji’s shoulder, and moves his face so close to Eiji’s that their noses nearly touch, “…if you don’t stop me soon, I’ll get the wrong idea.”

Now hesitant, Ash withdraws his hand away. Though his eyes don’t leave Eiji’s for a fraction of a second. Eiji meets his pleading gaze, and while he draws his hand to hold the crook of Ash’s cheek, gently cradling the sharp tilt of Ash’s jawline in his palm, Eiji’s mouth breaks into a soft smile.

“I don’t mind… if you do get the wrong idea.” Eiji says. He pushes Ash’s hair to the side to look at the whole of his expression, now wide-eyed and completely enchanted, “I already told you, didn’t I? I feel the same as you.”

Through the shadows of the night, Ash can only slightly make out Eiji’s face bathed in faintly lit neon, as he accepts this truth that what their feeling is mutual. And to respond to such a revelation takes the form of one small movement: where Ash leans his head up to press his lips to Eiji’s.

Eiji immediately bundles Ash up in his arms as they pull together for a deep kiss. Ash takes hold of Eiji’s shoulders and hangs on to them like he’d fall into some kind of abyss if he were to let go. This kiss is slow and tentative at first, and a little bit awkward, but it’s the nature of discovering the shape of each other’s lips for the very first time. It’s scary and strange and exciting and devastating, beyond anything ever experienced, as all of these great emotions suddenly make sense of song lyrics and poems which speak of moments such as these. Its effect is shattering, right to the core of their soul. A blissful oblivion.

Ash is eager. He’s taking the lead as the pace of their kiss increases, and Eiji is desperate to catch up. Ash can feel it just by the touch of his skin - Eiji wants this just as much. Every time he takes in a breath, between every slow and sensual movement of their lips, Eiji shudders as though he’s at a loss on what to do. And yet his eyes remain wanting, in broken panic over how overwhelmingly powerful each of these kisses are, leaving him breathless for more.

So Ash obliges. He’s thrown all reason to the wayside as he suddenly shifts on top of Eiji.

“Mmf!” Eiji grunts beneath the weight of Ash and his immediate kisses. He grabs on to Ash’s back and claws into the material of his shirt, squeezing him tight as though being beneath him has only motivated him to explore these feelings further.

The room is hot and filled with obscene sounds as the kiss deepens. They’re nearly frantic now as their mouths part and their tongues come together passionately, tasting each other and moving together like velvet. Ash buries his hand in to the unkempt mess of Eiji’s hair, as tender as he can be, while his toes curl at the merciless sensation of Eiji’s hands now running up and down Ash’s back. His fingers trace the protruding curves of his shoulder blades, towards the bumps of his spine, until Ash shudders from the overall feeling tightening in his stomach… and further below.

They’re both panting by the time they break apart, momentarily catching the moment to stare at each other and their flushed faces. Both of them look dishevelled and disorientated. Carnal desires, passionate and raw, charge the air like electricity and take a strong hold of them. They’re lost in a fog of pure longing, infatuated by the immeasurable tension alone, as their waking libido spins their minds into complete disarray. Left is right and up is down. Anything and everything is made possible in their distorted reality where only this euphoric feeling exists.

Ash digs his fingers into Eiji’s shirt collar, while licking at Eiji’s tongue that desperately begs to enter him. Their clouded gaze never veers away from each other. Even as Ash asks, with a voice as sultry as its ever been,

“Hey, Eiji… can I touch you more?”

He’s struggling to piece together a sentence, as his itchy fingers dare to venture lower.

Eiji assures him as his hand lightly touches over Ash’s cheek.

“Yeah. Go ahead.” Eiji urges him. Then he curls his fingers through Ash’s hair as Ash falls to kiss along Eiji’s neck, with his hands sliding beneath Eiji’s shirt. Ash’s face bears an expression that appears to be lost in this otherworldly trance where Eiji has completely possessed him, and only the desire to discover how Eiji’s body feels against his lips remains. With a grin, Eiji lifts his chin back to open up more room on his neck for Ash to claim, and says with a laugh, “God, I’m going to be so tired in the morning…”

* * *

 

By the time morning comes, the distant hum of the city sounds from outside Ash’s window as the winter sun streams in through the blinds. Ash blinks awake, though groggily at first, until his thoughts finally piece together and his vision returns. The faint sounds of fingertips lightly tapping against a keyboard sounds beside him. As Ash looks up, the first thing he sees is Eiji sitting up in bed, with his work shirt on and the top that he slept in tossed over his shoulders. The bed covers are pulled up to his waist as he balances his laptop over his legs, and he appears almost an entirely different person as he concentrates on the documents on screen.

For a moment, Ash takes his time in just watching Eiji work. Ash doesn’t move an inch so he doesn’t distract him. Eiji taps the keyboard carefully as he appears to be conscious of the noise he’s making. Ash notes the crease between Eiji’s brow deepening every time Eiji pauses to fall into deep thought. And he watches the way that Eiji’s pupils dart back and forth as he reads his work over and over again, carefully assessing and analysing everything, seeming as though his thought process is systematically working at an incredible efficient speed.

He exudes a personality far different than the one that Ash is used to. The Eiji that Ash knows is adorable and a bit clumsy, even a little naive at times. But every now and then, Eiji seems to surprise Ash with different sides to him. And every time he discovers something new about him, these little teasers into Eiji’s intricate character makes Ash want to know more and more… like a book he can’t stop reading, with chapters that never seem to stop going. Never wanting to reach the end.

Eventually Ash can’t resist the urge to nuzzle against him, as he shuffles over and buries his head against Eiji’s waist.

“Morning.” Ash sighs into him.

Eiji lifts his hands off the laptop in surprise, and looks down at him then with a brightening smile.

“Oh, good morning! Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, you didn’t.” Ash shakes his head, and brings a hand up to rest idly over Eiji’s lap. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did, thanks. It was nice.” Eiji replies, though his fingers go back to typing slowly as though he’s only half-present at the moment.

Ash presses his lips together in a tight line, before carefully going to hug Eiji’s waist, “Sorry…”

“What are you apologising for?” Eiji asks gently.

“Well, because you had work to do… and I made you stay here…”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve actually managed to complete most of it while you were sleeping. And I still have time before I need to leave on my business trip. Everything’s fine.”

“Really? You sure?” Ash asks, and props up his arms to sit himself up. Suddenly the bitter sting of the chilly air bites at his skin as Ash remembers that his shirt had been removed the night before. He pulls the covers up a bit more, a little out of embarrassment, and inches a little closer to Eiji as he peers over at his laptop screen. Then his eyes grow wide from how many document pages there are, and how far down Eiji has managed to get through them all. “You’re a real hard-working salary man, Eiji.”

He laughs, cutely, where the lift of his shoulders sync with the lift of his smile. “Well, I am the section manager of my department… somehow. My role has a lot of duties I’m in charge of, which always comes hand-in-hand with a lot of paperwork.”

“Like I said. A hard-working salary man. Emphasis on the ‘hard-working’ part.”

Ash fondly praises him as his arm wraps around Eiji’s back. Eiji pushes the laptop back a little as he adjusts himself next to Ash - perfectly fitting into his embrace like he belongs there. A flush of pink lights up the features of his face, and Ash notices. The way Eiji’s eyes flicker downwards makes him appear shy, but that bashful smile of his doesn’t show any signs of disliking this moment at all. The world around them appears shrouded in pink, but Ash figures that’s just a symptom of falling under Eiji’s influence. It’s like everything he’s learnt up until now bared no real relevance until Ash learnt of Eiji’s existence, and his body, and his soul. It feels like there’s no real point to the rest of the world, when everything Ash wants is right there beside him.

Eiji leans his head back and rests into Ash’s shoulder.

“Actually… can I confess something?”

“Yes.” Ash murmurs.

“Truthfully, I’m still a little surprised… I didn’t expect you to be so bold last night… by asking me not to go home, I mean.” Eiji starts, speaking so quietly through his little grin, and gazes up at Ash with admiration in his eyes, “I’ve never seen you be so forward before. At least, not with me. It was my first time seeing it.”

“You think so?” Ash averts his eyes for a moment, feeling his cheeks burn.

“Yeah. It really made my heart pound when you took the lead like that.”

The embarrassment is starting a get a little too much for him, and Ash simply diverts the conversation with something he knows would grab Eiji’s attention.

“How about I go make breakfast for us? What would you like?”

“Ah, I saw some bacon and cheese in your fridge last night! What about a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich? How does that sound?”

“Perfect.”

Ash leans over and lingers a kiss against Eiji’s forehead.

The moment is as fleeting as a brisk breeze, but its impact is long-lasting. Eiji feels blood flourish over his face as his whole expression is taken over by a blush. This intimacy feels so natural now, but still so new and exciting. It makes the air warm and light. It makes the bed beneath them fluffy to sit on, as the tingling feeling from their hearts run throughout every stem of their veins to the tips of their fingers. All of this from a brief exchange of affection. A whole new world blossoms from the bud of this beautiful uncharted feeling captured in their hearts. And it promises of more to come if ventured any further… like something dormant that’s just aching to be let out…

Again, a wave of immeasurably good sensations pour over them as Ash runs the back of his fingers over Eiji’s cheek.

“I’ll make us some coffee to wake us up too.”

Ash withdraws himself to grab the discarded shirt from last night and begins putting his arms through. Meanwhile Eiji - suddenly on the come down from this incredible high - feels the urge to address something else… something he can no longer hold within.

“I’m sorry, Ash.”

“Huh?”

He looks back, and notices how Eiji’s eyes are distant now. He’s looking forward, but also at nothing. His arms appear almost limp at his sides. And his smile has dropped away.

“I think… I didn’t notice my own feelings until you said all those things to me yesterday. Sorry, it feels a little disingenuous of me. Maybe it seems like I’m just going along with the flow of things. I just want to try and explain myself a bit.” Eiji says, with a tone of voice that seemingly darkens the room, “It’s just… the truth is, I’ve never really… I’ve never really been with a man before. This is my first time. It’s my first time questioning my sexuality, or the gender I’m attracted to… it’s all new to me. And I… sorry, I don’t want to hurt you while I’m figuring this out…”

“Eiji.” Ash softly assures him, and hesitantly reaches out to lay his hand on Eiji’s knee in an effort to comfort him, “I know too, it’s not easy. But don’t worry about me. Please tell me what you’re thinking. I want to know how you feel about… this.”

It takes a moment before Eiji swallows a gulp, and continues where his thoughts were going.

“Okay. Ash, you’re wonderful. So wonderful that I wanted to give it a try… you know, being with a man. I wanted to see if I could do it. Or if I couldn’t. To be completely honest… I didn’t know how I’d end up feeling.” Eiji let out a breath, as though he really struggled to find the words that mimicked his feelings, until he suddenly broke out into a brilliant smile, “As it turned out, I actually… quite liked it. And now we’ve ended up like this.”

“Yeah…”

Ash leans his face into his palm as memories of the night before begin flowing through his mind. There’s no denying that he really liked what happened as well. At least the feeling is mutual about that. Even Eiji’s face shows signs of a faint flush, as he also recalls every passionate memory from the night before. But then Ash shuffles to sit beside Eiji, and admits aloud while rubbing the back of his head,

“I guess it’s a little hard on me knowing that you might’ve ended up hating what we did.”

“I’m sorry. I figured you should know how things were going for me, in case it seemed like I was being too ambiguous. And you know, I was actually pretty nervous. I just tried acting as courageous as possible… seeing as I’m the older one, after all.”

“I see.” Ash responds. Though his expression still remains a little discouraged.

Until Eiji continues, “But, you know, regardless of how hesitant I might’ve been, I knew that somehow everything would’ve been okay… because I was with you, Ash. Because I… well, I really like you. I like you so much. I don’t know why I didn’t realise before, but I really do like you… a lot more than I thought. I like you now more than I did yesterday. I like you now more than I did a second ago. D-Do you see what I’m saying? I like you more even as I’m saying this… and I can’t seem to stop it, I can’t stop liking you…”

Eiji’s floundering only adds fuel to the fluttering in Ash’s stomach. He smiles warmly, looking at Eiji as though he’s a glowing apparition from another world, beckoning him with his fumbling words and flustering eyes. Ash wants to tumble into him, and hold on to him forever. Eiji eclipsed everything in Ash’s eyes. So Ash collapses into him, and rests his head against Eiji’s shoulder. Needing to feel him. Wanting to love him.

“A-Ash? What is it?”

“Nothing.” Ash sighs blissfully. “I’m just a little out of energy.”

“Oh…”

“By the way, I like you too, Eiji.”

“...I know.” He laughs through a toothy smile. Eiji suddenly takes hold of Ash’s jawline, and slips his fingers through Ash’s hair as he begins ruffling it into a mess. “How about we have breakfast together now? I’m not missing a single chance at eating your cooking!”

“Alright, alright!” Ash begs for mercy in laughter, until he finds himself comfortably nuzzled beneath Eiji’s chin and experiences the closest he’s ever felt to pure ethereal happiness in Eiji’s arms, “…just give us a minute. Let’s stay like this for a bit longer.”

* * *

 

Now in the kitchen, Ash starts frying the bacon on the stove and he’s in his element. The aroma of the sizzling bacon carries all the way into the bedroom where Eiji remains sitting in bed. Eiji lifts his nose to the air and grins in anticipation.

‘I can smell the bacon cooking… it smells so good.’

Then, Eiji takes a moment to look around the room. He briefly scans Ash’s things - where his clothes and his watches are, where he keeps his toiletries on the drawers and his coats hanging on a hook on the door - it’s a closer look into how Ash lives. Eiji finds himself invading more of it, and becoming part of it in turn. Just by sitting in Ash’s bed, where they had made precious memories the night before, Eiji has spread more of his presence deeper into Ash’s life. The dawning of this realisation makes Eiji slowly close his laptop. His lovely smile is now a ghost of itself and his eyes grow distant. And the slow breaking of his heart becomes all the more painful…

Because now there’s another path sprouted for his future. One unexpected, and ever-so tempting, but thorny.

“It was really hard… to tell him all that.” Eiji whispers.

“Eiji! It’s nearly ready!” Ash calls from the kitchen.

For a moment, Eiji is too overcome with the pressures of his woes to even respond. The heaviness of his heart weighs him down too much to escape from completely. But he somehow manages, and calls back to Ash while hiding the sorrowful waver in his voice,

“Okay, give me a minute… I’ll be right there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far! I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, and another will be on its way in between my work shifts! Thanks for understanding, and I'm sorry for the slow updates, but I hope this chapter was worth the wait! Please let me know what you thought in a comment, or just leave a kudos! Thank you again everyone~

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll try and keep this updated regularly but my job is a little demanding lately... like, working day and night shifts in one day! Across multiple days!! Working class life~  
> If you've liked it, please leave a kudos or a comment! Thank you very much again!


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